Page 73 of Surrender

I never wanted to pressure Kachelle into giving me a baby. I wanted conception to be natural, and most of all, I wanted a child when we both felt we were ready. I knew I was… I wasn’t too sure about her, though. I couldn’t tell if she was disappointed or relieved that the test was negative.

We hadn’t spoken on the subject since. Jess was the only person I shared my disappointment with. I knew our time would come, though, and when it did, I’d be the best father I could to our children.

I said a quick prayer, cranked up my car and pulled out of the parking lot.

“Are you sure about this, girl?” Myra asked.

I was on the way to my OBGYN for a checkup and to discontinue my birth control. Since the pregnancy scare two weeks ago, it had been heavy on my mind. I had to weigh the decision and sit with it for a bit. I still felt the weight of the disappointment from the test being negative. Sometimes, I found myself staring at my reflection, imagining a cute little bump.

I thought about baby names and laughed at myself when I tried to come up with names that were a combination of ours. They were all horrible. I wasn’t sure why the baby fever kicked in so heavily. Maybe it was the scare. Potentially having a baby on the way and then discovering it was a false alarm had me a little fucked up.

Jacob and I hadn’t discussed it further, but I knew he was sad.

A few times, I’d caught him staring into the drawer that housed the second pregnancy test. He wanted a baby. It was evident in the way he’d taken to laying on my stomach or rubbing it when we cuddled. I didn’t think he even realized he was doing it. His actions told me his desires even when he couldn’t.

While our marriage was still fresh, we both wanted children. We were financially stable. Our relationship was more stable than people who had been married for years on end. Having his baby wouldn’t be a problem.

I just wanted to get a checkup to make sure everything was okay once I stopped the birth control. I didn’t want anything to hinder the process. I still hadn’t gotten my period, and I was a bit concerned about that.

“I’m sure, My. You didn’t see how disappointed he was when he looked a that negative test.”

“Awww! He really wanted a baby.”

“He did, and I have no doubt in my mind that he will be a great father.”

“I can see a bunch of spoiled-ass, little red babies running around.”

I giggled. “Heavy on the spoiled ‘cause Daddy is gonna do the most.”

“Don’t blame it on their daddy. You’ll be just as bad. Look at you with those puppies.”

“Why are you bringing up irrelevant shit?”

She laughed loudly. Barkly and Pawly were already spoiled rotten, and it was largely in part to me. I just adored them! They were the sweetest fur babies and one of the best things my husband could have given me.

“Anyway! Have you told him you were stopping birth control?”

“No. I thought it might be nice to surprise him when I pop out pregnant. You know, do one of those reveals? I wanna find a cute, creative way to announce it. Knowing me, I’ll probably tell him before I can plan anything. You know I can’t keep a secret.”

“Bitch, you kept your pending marriage a secret!”

“That was different, My! The circumstances aren’t the same as announcing a pregnancy.”

“Kay, go to hell. Those are two very big things. The only difference is the feelings surrounding them.”

“Get off my phone, Myra,” I said as I turned into the parking lot.

I hated when she made sense.

She laughed at me. “Call me later, ho. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I ended the call as I pulled into a parking space. After shutting off the car, I grabbed my purse and headed inside. The receptionist greeted me with a smile.

“Welcome to Colonial Women’s Center. How can I help you?”

“Hi. I’m Kachelle Mitchell. I have an appointment with Dr. Jenkins.”