Page 77 of Controlled
“Which allowed the nightmares to return.”
“That wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t occurring in the daytime.”
“You can’t let the ghost of our father win.”
I laughed and glanced around the nearly empty bar. “Too late. The bastard has been dead for years and his damned spirit is haunting us. And don’t say you haven’t felt that way.”
“I wasn’t planning on it. You know how long it took me to find some sense of normalcy.”
Another chuckle surfaced, only darker than before. “Maybe so, but only after you massacred like a thousand people.”
He scoffed. My brother had left his fought-for job as a surgeon to become an assassin, a damn good one at that. It had been when his demons had taken almost every ounce of his humanity. I’d been thrilled at the time, hoping my brother would fall flat on his face. While we’d been rivals at that point, even after he’d served up the position as Don of the empire we continued to build, I’d hated him.
I’d loathed that he’d gotten away from our father’s stranglehold after his death. I’d thought about how I could destroy him so many times I’d lost count. But when I’d almost fallen into the depths of despair, I’d remembered how many times he’d saved me from surrendering to the pain.
And madness.
However, I’d remained jealous he’d found the perfect woman, still feeling the same right now.
“You know better, brother.” He was rarely insulted by anything I had to say. He knew how I was, forgiving my sins so many times I’d lost count of that as well. “I need to ask you a question.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Do you care about Bella?”
I sat back in my seat, waiting as the bartender placed the drink in front of me, pointing to his watch in an indication it was last call. Only when he walked away did I answer. “Yeah, more than I thought possible. I know what you’re going to say. It’s crazy to think that way after a couple days, but I know what I feel.”
“It’s not crazy, brother. It’s real and I know the feeling well, like a fucking freight train just ran over your ass. But I’m going to give you a piece of advice. No matter how tough she is, how accepting she might be of your demons, your anger and your inability to communicate past basic grunting sounds, she’s still fragile. I’m not just talking about her body, bro. I’m also talking about her heart. Like Emily. I captured her, just like you did. I used her, just like I suspect you’re doing. And I wanted to break her to make her mine always.”
“Didn’t she break you in the end?” I tried to tease.
He tried to laugh but I knew he was still concerned about me. “No, she healed me. I think that’s what you’ve wanted all along. What our father did was atrocious. The profession you insisted on carrying on after his death made it impossible for you to walk away completely from the trauma.”
When I started to interrupt him, he tutted at me, which made me smile.
“I’m not finished yet. You’ve been right that in my mind I’ve been itching for a hunt because it seems natural, it’s in our blood. You and I can stand behind our beliefs that the men we’ve hunted all deserved to die, and maybe they did. I have no remorse for those I was hired to kill because I set my level of integrity in stone and refused to step outside those lines. You need to create rules for yourself so you can concentrate on the healing process.”
“That’s tough, brother, when Armand Marcello might be Bella’s father, although I can’t hunt him down. And when we were almost killed by some unknown party. Or maybe because I suspect Frederico’s son is in the process of betraying him, which means we might have shit on our parade before we can sign with the powers that be at the Pentagon. So you see, my nerves are just a bit on edge.”
Exhaling, he’d usually call me stubborn at this point. “You don’t need me to tell you what to do, Creed. You’re a highly intelligent man, perhaps more so than either Easton or myself. However, you’re so entrenched in the past that you’re flailing in hopes of finding that salvation before it’s too late. Talk to Frederico. Tell Bella about her father. Hell, tell her about our father and why you bear horrific scars on your back.”
“You told Emily?”
“Yeah. I did. I also told her I was an assassin.”
“And she accepted it?” He’d told me only some about how they’d ended up together on a permanent basis. Then again, I hadn’t asked but the jealous beast would have reared his ugly head all over again.
“Not at first. She ran like she should have but when she realized I wanted to be a better man for her and proved that I wasn’t just spouting off shit, she learned to accept that my past was just that. My past.”
“A better man. I’m afraid the Saint children will always resort back to what we know best.”
“Not necessarily, Creed. That’s a choice only you can make for yourself. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying there won’t be flashbacks because I feel them. Hell, I feel the hunger to chase like an animal, to kill like a beast, but I refrain from doing so because I have everything I’ve ever wanted.”
He was one lucky son of a bitch.
“And stop worrying. We will find the person responsible for the attack. You know that. But most of all, either you’re fully in or completely out with regard to Bella. Love isn’t easy but it’s worth it. There can be no middle ground for either of you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Who said anything about love?”