Page 57 of Run

I shook my head. “No, Giovanna. There was a time when I wanted nothing but to hear your voice, to see your face again, but now I know what that leads to.”

“And what does it lead to?” she asked.

“You act like you don’t know,” I said.

I had told myself to stay calm, but I was starting to feel the anger boil. Did she really think so little of me, she didn’t know what this was doing to me?

“I…”

“You what, Gia?” I said, my voice coming out ice-cold.

“I owe you an explanation,” she said.

The thought of her trying to explain herself was one I couldn’t bear. I couldn’t listen to her explain why she was going to break my heart again.

“You don’t.”

“I do. I left before because I was certain, so certain that I didn’t even bother to ask you.”

“Yeah, certain that I was some kind of mad dog killer. A little Santo in training,” I said.

“And you weren’t?” she asked.

“You never knew me at all,” I said.

“Why do you say that?” Her brow was furrowed with surprise.

“Because maybe I was. Maybe. The thing there was never any question about was you. I loved you, Giovanna. I was willing to risk my life for you. I was willing to break the promises I made, leave the only life I’ve ever known for you.”

She frowned, looked at me with eyes that were bright with confusion.

“You’re right you never bothered to ask. Probably my fault because I never bothered to say it, but every penny I had saved, every favor I was owed, I was willing to cash in. I had everything ready, all in place. You always wanted me to tell Santo about us, but I didn’t think it was important, because I was going to take us both away from all this.”

“What?” she said.

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “I saved up, got us new identities and everything. Made sure our tracks were covered. A week, maybe two, and we would have been out of here,” I said.

My mind went back to that time, all the energy I had put in, the way I had imagined her face would look when I told her. Then the crushing pain of finding her gone.

“You really were going to leave for me?”

“I love you, Giovanna. I would do anything for you,” I said.

Too late, I realized that I had spoken in the present tense, that I had revealed far too much of my feelings. But what did it matter now?”

“You know why I left?”

“Yeah, I think I have some idea,” I said, again regaining control of my emotions.

“Tell me.”

“Like I said, you thought I was some kind of monster,” I said.

“Half right. I thought you were some kind of mad dog, and I didn’t care,” she said.

I looked at her through narrowed eyes, and she went on. “I didn’t. I had heard stories about what Santo did, figured you were right there with him,” she said.

I didn’t bother to deny it. I was no liar, and it wouldn’t change anything. And besides, I had been right there with him, and for a while had let myself buy into his way of thinking. Not too long, but long enough to alienate her.