Page 54 of Craving Chaos
“Not a goddamn thing is wrong with you.” For the first time, I bring my lips to hers.
The kiss is tender but urgent. A plea. Because I understand now, and it changes nothing. No matter how much I hate myself for continuing to hurt her, I can’t walk away.
CHAPTER 28
SHAE
His lips move against mine with such possessive demand, I feel certain he’s branding them. I know he’s left his mark on my heart if nothing else. With each caress of his tongue against mine, my fears and frustrations blur into the background like a faded photo. Renzo makes it hard to see anything beyond him.
He’s all-consuming. World-ending.
I only wish I knew whether I’m capable of rising up from the ashes because I’m tired of fighting off the inevitable.
“You need to stop saying shit like that, or people will think you’ve gone soft,” I say when we drift apart, an unexpected sense of acceptance settling over me.
“Fuck what other people think.”
“Ideally, yeah. But that doesn’t cut it in reality. You are the boss of your family, and it matters what the men under your leadership think.”
His lips thin, knowing I’m right.
I place my hand on his chest, avoiding meeting his gaze. “I’ll think about it, okay? But I need a bit of time.” I finally peer up at him through my lashes and am relieved to see resigned acceptance etched on his face. I offer a small smile. “Besides, we have nothing but time out here, right?”
His gaze darts to the side before he nods. I get the sense something shifts in his demeanor, but it’s so amorphous that I’m not sure what it is or what might have caused it. Considering the state of my heightened emotions, I’m not even sure I didn’t simply imagine it.
“I’m going to fill the bucket with fresh water,” Renzo informs me. “You go in and wait for me—I’m washing your hair, and don’t even try to stop me.”
My heart is officially a puddle at my feet. I lift my hands in surrender. “No arguments here.”
Renzo washes my hair, then agrees to let me wash his. I could run my fingers through his thick hair all day, every day. He seemed to enjoy it as well. His cock is so visibly aroused that I feel a little bad. I don’t want to be a tease, but I can’t be reckless with my heart when our situation is so precarious. I need to think through how this would work. What I’d be willing to give up to have him.
Renzo is amazing all evening. He doesn’t push to be physically intimate beyond making sure I’m clean and fed. And when it comes time for bed, I find myself turning over for the first time, bringing us chest-to-chest. Even fully dressed, lying like this with Renzo feels more intimate than almost any other sexual encounter I’ve ever had.
He shifts to his back, guiding my head onto his chest and my body half draped over his. We don’t talk. The room is free of awkward tension. It's just he and I in a bubble of comfort and warmth. I fall asleep almost instantly.
CHAPTER 29
RENZO
“A squirrel. That’s hardly enough to feed a kid, let alone two grown adults.” Shae stares at our meager catch for the day.
“We still have a rabbit and a bird in the freezer,” I remind her.
“Yeah, but if we keep eating our reserves, we’ll never save up enough for the trip out of here.”
The worry in her voice gets to me, especially after everything that was said last night. She finally trusted me with her fears. I was so incredibly relieved and also humbled at how self-centered I’ve been. I couldn’t understand why she’d be so resistant to being with me, but that was because I hadn’t taken an earnest look at the situation from her perspective. I’m embarrassed at how easily I overlooked the sacrifices she’d have to make.
And now, not only is she torn about her desire for me, but she’s worried about starvation and how we’re getting home on top of it. I hate that I’m making a difficult time even harder for her. That was never my intention. I just wanted her to give me a chance. To give us a chance.
The tap holding back my guilt gives a little more, allowing the acidic substance to fill me more quickly.
“Let’s take it one day at a time, okay?” I start back toward the cabin, mired in my dark thoughts.
Doubt is a mental tar pit that will suffocate you from the inside. I’ve always tried not to succumb to the sticky death sentence. Gather information. Make informed decisions. Accept your mistakes and move on. Doubt and regret serve no purpose. Yet I’m questioning my choices. If I wasn’t seeing the whole picture where Shae was concerned, what else might I be missing?
I can’t deny that if my priorities were what they should be, I wouldn’t even be here now. And if Shae has become my top priority, what does that mean for me? Can I be the boss of the Moretti family, knowing the organization will never come first?
“Did something upset you?” Shae asks when the cabin is within view.