Page 71 of Craving Chaos
Leaving my family wasn’t an option. But with Renzo … I can’t shake the feeling that he’s worth it. I don’t even know what it is except a risk of change—the leap of faith that I’ll find my footing again.
Am I willing to jump without any safety nets if it means being with him?
That is a choice. My choice.
It has nothing to do with what is meant to be.
If I don’t fix things with him, I can’t blame fate. A relationship with him, no matter the difficulties or rewards, would be a choice.
How many times am I willing to find someone incredible and allow challenges to become excuses?
Renzo is here in the city. I wouldn’t have to move away from my family to be with him. And after everything we went through together, Renzo and I are family, too. All I need to do is decide if I’m willing to forgive him. That is the only question that matters because the rest will work itself out if we're committed. He’d said as much, but I couldn’t see it then. I’m not sure why except that I knew it would be hard, but these days without Renzo have been miserable.
So I’m back to making a choice. I have to pick my hard—find a way to be with Renzo or find a way to survive without him.
He was willing to put both our lives on hold to be with me. He risked everything. It could have gone horribly wrong, and I don’t like that he kept such a huge secret from me, but I can’t deny his commitment.
Love makes people do crazy things. Like forgive one another.
The leaden cloak I’ve worn around my shoulders for days drops to the floor. I feel like I could float right off my bed, and that tells me all I need to know. I’m working in the right direction, but I have to set things straight with my family before I say anything to Renzo and risk hurting him.
I give myself until the end of the month—two weeks—to make arrangements and ensure I have no doubts. I’ll see him at Oran’s wedding, so I have to have a solution worked out by then.
My big brother deserves his happily ever after more than anyone after learning his first wife betrayed our entire family. That was the reason Devlin had paid our family a visit. His family over in Dublin had learned we had an informant in the family. Someone who had worked with the Albanians and stolen a shipment of guns. Guns we’d acquired with help from Devlin’s family.
Oran was absolutely wrecked when he learned what his wife had done. I was so worried about him because he became so closed off and bitter. Then he met Lina, and his life completely turned around. He’s a great example of someone who made the choice to open their heart and make room for love. He could have told himself a relationship with Lina wasn’t meant to be. He would have been justified, considering the challenges they had to overcome. But he didn’t, and now they’re deliriously happy together.
If he can do it, so can I.
It’s been my motto my entire life, where my brother is concerned. Seems like an appropriate time to revive the sentiment.
The next day, I take the first step on my new path by calling Mari and telling her that I can’t see her anymore. She tries to reassure me that she won’t pressure me, but I’m quick to assure her that it’s over. I know I’ve done the right thing when I end the call and feel practically buoyant.
Next, I set up a meeting with Conner. We sit in his office at Bastion, and I tell him all about the situation with Renzo. As expected, he’s exceptionally understanding. His wife is Renzo’s Italian cousin, so I figured he’d be the least likely to be concerned about a relationship between me and Renzo. If anyone will balk, it’ll be Oran. He still might harbor trust issues where outsiders are concerned.
“I don’t have a problem with it, but others might.” Conner’s face is lined with concern. He’s worried I’m going to end up hurt.
“Oh, I know. I doubt the Italians will accept Renzo being with a woman who still works for another organization. If that’s the case, and I still want to be with Renzo, I’ll have to consider making a change.”
Air whooshes past Conner’s parted lips, his brows drawn tightly together. “You’re serious.”
“I am.” I offer a weak smile.
“I never thought I’d see the day you found someone who meant more to you than the business.”
I open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off.
“That’s not a slight—you don’t need to get defensive. I feel the same about Noemi. I’m just sorry you’re actually having to make that choice. But if I were in your shoes, I’d do the same. Some things are too valuable to give up.”
“Thanks, Conner,” I force past the emotion swelling in my chest. “I thought you’d understand, and that’s why I came to you first.”
“Hey, if it means I don’t have to worry about you stealing my wife from me, I’m all for it.” His playful jab about my friendship with Noemi reminds me there’s something else I need to tell him.
“I’m glad you brought that up—”
“It was a joke, Shae.”
“No, I know. It reminded me to tell you that my apartment was broken into while I was gone.”