Page 2 of My Shy Alpha
“Well, what if? Maybe it isn’t possible. Or maybe it is. Who’s to say?” Jenny’s smirk grants me a weary smile; she’s poking at my “what-if” with further uncertainty like we always practice. “It sounds like, at the root of it, you want to be with someone who deeply values you. Do you think people exist in the world who value their partners?”
“I’d... like to hope so.”
We share a minute of silence as I pick my nails, mulling over everything we’ve worked through in our sessions.
My recurring dream initially seemed like a trauma coping mechanism - my brain’s way of grappling with the utter destruction my ex caused. His violence ruined sex for me. The shift was made from pleasurable to horrifying, and nothing can bring me back to how I was before Steven laid his hands on me. With how many intrusive thoughts explode within my mind around sex - detailing graphic ways I could be tortured again - I haven’t been able to crawl my way back to the idea of intimacy with another man.
Except for the man in my recurring dream. My core heats just thinking about it: his strong hands gripping my hips over his bare body because I want them to, not because he “needs” me to.
But from the first day I had the meeting-my-sexy-soulmate dream, I never believed it would come true. The problem is that no relationship in reality ever seemed as good. Allie, the sweetheart of a botanist I went on a few dates with last month, helped me feel safer with kissing and cuddling. God, she was a good kisser and an even better friend, but she and I were always missing that spark. One I can feel, not search for or struggle to create.
My dream’s “soulmate” wasn’t perfect, stumbling over words and standing stiff like he didn’t know what to do with my presence. But that made me love him more. He was just my soulmate. I don’t have words for why I knew he was. It was a feeling – deep, infinite love.
That I’ve never been able to find in real life. I’m tired of being hurt. I want to love someone who actually loves me. Someone I can be vulnerable with without feeling scared.
There’s one thing I haven’t tried to help myself let go of the dream, but I’m not sure Jenny will like it.
She gives me a soft smile. “It looks like you’re working through something. Can you walk me through it with you?”
A heavy lump nestles into my throat. The whole truth feels too terrifying, so I settle for half. “I’ve been trying the same things and getting the same results. Of course it won’t work out how I want it to.”
Jenny chuckles. “If there were a way we could all find the greatest loves of our lives in a heartbeat, we would.”
“I know, and I know I’ll have to wait. But I also think doing nothing is ineffective.”
“Does that mean you have an idea in mind?” The slow smile stretching to Jenny’s eyes tells me she sees through me.
Screw it. I’ll embarrass the hell out of myself. At least it’s confidential.
“What if instead of pretending the dream never happened, I recreated it?”
I’m met with silence.
Then concern overwrites Jenny’s curiosity. “What do you mean by that?”
Dammit. It’s too late to go back. “What if I go to the forest - just one time - tracing my steps in that dream?”
“What would be the purpose? It was a dream, and I’m concerned chasing it could validate the fantasy. Not only that, but does it have that familiar sense of urgency?”
Jenny leaves no room to budge, and I shrink into her cushy couch. But her focused stare doesn’t look angry. She’s worried, and I don’t blame her. My suggestion could sound like I’m losing progress.
“I don’t think it’s a checking compulsion, but I do feel some sort of pull to act...” I trail off, dropping my focus to my fidgeting fingers.
“I’m not trying to disappoint you or tell you what to do, honey. I’m mainly concerned this could leave you even more disappointed when your hot soulmate doesn’t come looking for you in the forest.” Jenny breaks into a soft smile. “Especially not one you have the immediate urge to get down and dirty with in the leaves.”
I laugh with her, rubbing my neck. The heavy, incredible sex is the most unrealistic part of that dream, knowing me. I can’t open up to anyone, let alone open up my pants for them the second we meet.
I put on my best smile. “That’s true. It was just an idea. Something I’ve never tried.”
Jenny taps her lip, thinking hard. “Given your history around avoiding forests, I want to say you could take a short walk.” My heart flips, but Jenny raises a halting hand. “If! And only if - it’s not for the sole purpose of checking for ‘him.’”
“I’m not searching for ‘him’ anymore. I know Mr.-Sexy-Dream-Dude doesn’t exist. I want to let this forest dream go, once and for all.”
Jenny nods, but I know she’s tracing my eyes for any hint of doubt. Of course, my debilitating doubt disorder is why I’m here.
“Do you feel this will benefit you? Do you have any compulsive urges to do the opposite?” She asks.
“Actually, yes. I realized I started avoiding the same forest trail you and I visited for an exposure, just because of the dream.”