Page 115 of Capo
Ivan cocks his head in acknowledgement. “It might be so.”
We stand in silence, everything we’re not saying building between us. Finally, I step closer and throw my arms around him, burying my face against his broad chest. “I’m not doing so well,” I whisper to his shirt, my eyes filling up with tears.
Ivan is strong, safe, and so achingly familiar. Everything about him reminds me of Luciano: how he smells, how he breathes, his voice. He puts his hands on my shoulders and gives me an awkward squeeze, then a pat.
“Neither is he. I should go. Take care of yourself Chloe Becker.”
Don’t go!
He’s my last connection with Luci. But I don’t say it. How can I? I’m the one who left.
A few days later there’s a knock on our door. I have my nose buried in my laptop, trying to make a list of things I need to do to get back on my own two feet. Chad and Charlie are on the PlayStation, screaming so loud occasionally that they make me jump. I’m closest, and they don’t even seem to hear the knock. Outside stands Kerry.
My mouth falls open from the unexpected sight. “Hi!”
She twists her hands and looks behind her and then back at me. “How’re you doing?”
I cock my head and half-shrug. I don’t know what to say. Everything is shit.
“I have someone here who needs to talk with you. I… think you should talk to him too.” She chews on her lower lip.
My mouth turns dry and dread fills my chest. I have a very bad feeling about this and when Christian Russo appears behind Kerry, lit from above by the fluorescent light in the ceiling, his every feature enhanced, demonic in their rough planes, I scream and throw myself back. I fall on my butt and scramble backward.
Kerry holds up her hands. “Chloe. Please. It’s all right!”
My brothers come rushing from the living room, taking in the scene. “What’s wrong, sis?” Their eyes dart between the three of us, with Kerry and Christian standing calmly in the doorway, and me on the floor, acting like a maniac. Charlie extends a hand and pulls me up. I huddle close to him, my whole body shaking. That night, that eternal, infernal night flashes through my mind. The raw fear, the pain, my helplessness. No one, nothing, has ever frightened me on such a profound level like Christian Russo did.
“Chloe. We… he just wants to talk. You don’t have to say anything. Can you just listen, please?”
I look at my brothers, helplessly, and Chad steps up next to me as well. “We’ll be here. What’s this all about?”
I don’t answer him, but sandwiched between my tall, broad, and more than capable brothers, and with Kerry standing so calmly next to Christian, I know that whatever this is, he’s not here to hurt me.
I barely make my mouth cooperate. “Okay.” I shuffle back a little, letting them into the hallway. Christian holds my gaze as Kerry closes the door. I nod toward the living room. “We can sit in there.”
Chad runs ahead and when we get there, he’s clearing the couches, dropping clothes and old fast food packages on the floor, out of sight. “Sit,” he says. “Can I get you something?”
“I’m good,” says Christian, his voice a deep, rough rumble that I remember all too well.
Kerry shakes her head, and so do I. I couldn’t hold something without dropping it anyway. They sit on one couch and I squeeze in between my brothers on the other, eternally grateful for them being here.
Kerry licks her lips and looks up at Christian. He gives her a glance and then fixates his dark eyes on me. I force myself to not shrink back.
“I came to tell you how sorry I am for that night. I wish I could say that I wasn’t myself, but that’s probably exactly what I was. My head, my heart… I was in a bad place. I had hurt—” He gives Kerry a glance. She takes his hand and squeezes it. “—so many people. Especially Kerry. My actions were the reason for her disappearing and I just couldn’t cope. I turned that pain into a rage that consumed me. It made me lash out and you got in the way.”
“I moved out,” I say stiffly, pain stabbing through my heart yet again at the thought of Luciano. “We’re not gonna cross paths again.”
He gives Kerry a glance and she looks at me, pain in her eyes. “I was hoping that you and I could meet up sometime,” she says. “I have… We have a daughter, Cecilia, and I’d love for you to meet her. Christian doesn’t have to be around but… I was hoping you could at least know that he has changed. A lot. And he’s an integral part of my life. For better or worse.”
I inhale shakily, looking between them. I take in Christian, really look at him for the first time ever, trying to see the man and not the monster. A long time has passed. A long, long time. I’ve been through so much shit, and I’ve come to terms with all that. Why does this still hurt so much?
“I—,” I chew on my lip and fight to control my breathing. “I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. And believe me, scary things have happened to me.”
Kerry frowns and winces.
“I appreciate you coming here, Christian, but you hurt me bad. Really bad. Do you know what you did to me? Between my broken arm, my broken nose and ribs, the bruises, the brain hemorrhage and the nightmares, you made a lasting impression. I haven’t been able to get past that.”
His face falls and he looks away. “Chloe,” he says and turns back to me. “I’m so fucking sorry. From the depths of my black heart, I wish it had never happened. I don’t know how to make it up to you. I can’t ever make it undone. I just want you to know that you’ll never have to worry about me hurting you again, or Kerry.” He gives her a quick glance, and again she squeezes his hand. “I don’t know if I dare to ask you to forgive me. I don’t want to force you to do anything. But I really am sorry.”