Page 61 of Broken Wheels
Or was the goal something else?
He stroked Doc’s forehead. “I already told you, this isn’t your fault.” Dix did his best to keep his voice soft. He toed off his shoes, then slid under the blanket beside Doc, wrapping his arms about the slender body. One word filled his head.
Protocol.
What would be protocol in situations like these? In Dix’s younger days, he’d have gone and beaten the crap out of someone to solve his problems. Unfortunately—or should that be fortunately?—that wasn’t an option.
Doc needed him to use his head for this one, which was tricky. With his big body and overly large fists, Dix wasn’t really equipped for an intellectual approach. He was more about using intimidation to get what he wanted.
Then Doc rolled over and nestled into Dix’s embrace, his face buried in Dix’s chest. Dix ran his hands over Doc’s back, remembering how it had arched the previous night, recalling how Doc had cried out Dix’s name while Dix moved in and out of that deliciously tight body.
I am totally fucking ensnared.
Not that he wasn’t before, but now? He had to protect Doc. Even if it was from himself.
Dix held Doc close, breathing in his familiar scent. “I’ve got to be honest with you, okay? I know you don’t believe me when I say none of this is your fault. Your mind is wired differently than most people’s. It has to extract and dissect every angle, doing your best to figure out what you could—not should—have done differently. But see, that’s the problem here. You’re one of the smartest men in the world?—”
“There are a lot of people smarter than me,” Doc interjected, his voice muffled.
Dix kissed the top of his head. “Shut up. This is my story, okay?” When Doc remained silent, he continued. “As I was saying, you’re one of the smartest men on the planet, and you need to know why things happen the way they do. Your brain will churn the information over and over, until you get something useful out of it.” He raised Doc’s chin with a couple of fingers, until Doc looked him in the eye. “But the thing you need to understand is, nothing will ever make sense. Maybe in the broadest terms, sure, but not with the little stuff you’re sweating. You have to understand there will always be that one variable you can’t account for. The X factor. And if you dwell on it, that sucker will keep tripping you up.” Dix kissed him on the lips. “Not everything is an equation that can be solved, Doc. Sometimes in life, we have to accept that and move on.”
And you need to believe that, Doc.
Josh didn’t want to accept it. That little boy’s face kept rising up, staring at him accusingly, and with it came that still small inner voice, admonishing him that if he’d done something years ago, well before the kid was ever born, then he wouldn’t have had to die.
Both the specter and the voice weren’t wrong. Why did I wait? Why was I only worried about myself and my family? If he’d been thinking in broader terms?—
“Stop that,” Dixon demanded.
Josh blinked. “Excuse me?”
Dixon snorted. “You think I don’t know you well enough by now to have an idea what’s rattling around inside that amazing brain?” He gripped Josh’s shoulders. “Did you make mistakes? Maybe. Who can say for sure? That right there is another one of those variables. You can’t know what might have happened if you’d taken a different path. Maybe the government wouldn’t have backed off, and right now you and your family would be dead. Maybe they would have stopped, but honestly? I doubt it. People like that? They rarely ever just stop.”
Josh stared at him. “How’d you know what I was worried about?”
“Because you mutter.” Dixon smiled. “Bet you didn’t know that, did you?”
“I don’t mutter,” he retorted. That made him sound like some bumbling professor, or even worse, one of those people he passed in the street who ambled along, having long conversations with an invisible friend.
Dixon widened his eyes. “You’re forever talking to yourself. Which I understand completely, by the way.” Another smile. “If you want a genius solution, you need to talk to the resident genius.”
“I do not mutter,” Josh repeated, aghast at the suggestion. Do I?
“I didn’t record it, which in hindsight, I now see was a mistake, but I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve stopped in the lab to see you and found you poring over something or other, talking to yourself about what you found or what you were seeing.”
I did that? How mortifying. Josh made a mental note to keep a check on himself in the future.
“And when you were doing that, I never bothered you because it was another thing I saw that made me….” Dixon sighed. “I’d never met another person like you. You’re amazing. You can be kind of aloof. While you’re working on something, your head is in the clouds.” Dixon kissed him again, then peered into his eyes. “You’re a fascinating man, Dr. Joshua Malone, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that we met.”
The words were uttered with such vehemence that Josh believed them wholeheartedly. Not that he was fascinating, but that Dixon perceived him in that way.
“You’re not so bad yourself.” Josh cupped Dixon’s cheek. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m trying so hard to be clinical about all this, to hold on to nothing but the facts, but I’ve never had to watch people die like that.” He swallowed. “It’s burned into my brain, and it won’t go.”
Dixon took Josh’s hand and kissed his palm. “Then don’t try to force it. You need to accept what happened, but use it as fuel to keep you moving forward. I’m not telling you to forget that little boy, because he’s the anger burning inside you, the very thing that’ll help you when you’re hacking to get your answers.” He pulled Josh closer, and Josh snuggled against his firm body. “I need to share something with you. In my time with the military, I’ve seen dead bodies. Lots of them. And like you, I grew detached from it, because that was the only way for me to retain my sanity. It was part of the reason I wanted to get out of the mall that day. Seeing that kid? It drove a spike into my brain, and right now he’s the one I’m fighting for, because even though I don’t think it’s gonna happen, I want him to be the last person who dies because of whoever is doing this.” Another sweet kiss. “The one good thing to come out of that meeting with Gary and Michael? You’ve finally told your story, and that must make you feel better. Because the weight you’ve carried all these years is now being carried by all of us, not just you.”
Josh’s heart quaked.
Oh hell.