Page 41 of Off Sides

“What’s wrong?” This is Captain Carpenter, not my Joey, but that’s okay. Right now, I need him to be strong for me.

I shake my head and let the tears fall. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this out of control, this needy.

“I’m sorry,” I cry into Joey’s neck. “I just need a minute.”

His arms tighten around me again, holding the broken pieces of me together while I fall apart. It’s been so long since I gave myself permission and even longer since I let someone hold me while it happened. Not since I left home to come here for school.

I tremble against him, against his strength.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Joey says into my hair. “Do you want to talk about it?” He cups the back of my head and kisses my temple, which only makes more tears fall. Why can’t he be my person?

“I don’t have the time or energy for a relationship.”

Joey’s words flitter through my mind and I take a deep breath. I shouldn’t have come here. Shouldn’t have come looking for him. But fuck, I just needed a goddamn hug.

Forcing myself to get control, I release him and step back but don’t meet his eyes. “Thanks and sorry. I just needed a minute.”

I turn to leave and the door opens, Bryce stops in the doorway and looks between the two of us.

“Hey, Nick, haven’t seen you in a while.” He closes the door and slaps me on the shoulder as he moves past me. I miss the comradery of teammates. I should text some of mine and see if anyone wants to do something. Go play pool or get a beer or go to a movie. Something to get me out of my dorm.

“Good to see you, man. Later.” I give Bryce a head nod and leave, needing to get away from the room that smells like the one person I can’t have.

Joey calls my name and it’s a knife in my heart, but I keep walking. I shouldn’t have come to him anyway. Finding comfort in him is only going to keep my obsession with him going longer. I have to find a way to get past it.

Even if it kills me.

16

Joey

What just happened?

Nick’s tears dampen my shirt but he’s walking away. What was that? Why did he come to me? I want to go after him, make sure he’s okay, but does he want that?

I don’t know what to do but I want him back in my arms. It felt so good to have him against me. In my space. Breathing my air. Sharing a heartbeat.

He’s the only person since my dad died that has let me break, let me be weak. The only person to see that I needed it.

Instinctually, he took care of me, giving me the space, the safety, to take up room with my emotions, my needs.

But who looks after Nick?

Who does he go to when he needs to feel?

“What’s up with Nick?” Bryce asks while he spreads out on his bed with homework.

“I don’t know, he was here when I got back from practice.” I don’t want to turn away from the door, like if I move the feeling of him clinging to me will disappear too.

My heart aches for him. I want him to come back, to tell me to lie down, and wrap himself around me again. To need me.

“I haven’t seen him around in a while. You guys get into a fight or something?”

I shake my head, remembering the last time he touched me. The pain in his gaze when I told him we were done.

“You know how it is during the season.” I rub at my breastbone, at the pressure lingering there.

Seeing him snap like that, yelling and hitting the door, it was so out of character for him.