Page 59 of Saint
A love that led me back to myself.
Yeah. Victoria was all that and more, but was it pure? Was it real for her? I couldn’t tell. To ameliorate my feelings, I went to visit Dr. Gibson. I had every intention to tell her everything about my marriage, including the monetary agreement. Those plans shifted when I sank into that damned couch. There was nothing I craved more than to gush over my relationship once my bones were settled in… comfort. Dr. Gibson and I agreed upon a low dose of antianxiety medication to assist me with my sensory processing disorder, and then we dived right into my relationship with Tori.
“You mentioned that the past few months of your life have altered significantly. What changed?”
Dr. Gibson shifted gears, imploring me to share the changes I’d undergone. I hadn’t scheduled an appointment in months because I was busy engaging in the new life I had. I was busy engaging my wife.
“I got married,” I beamed, thinking of my spitfire of a partner.
“Oh.” The disappointment displayed on Dr. Gibson’s face was quickly schooled to neutral as she cleared her throat. “How has married life been for you,” she probed.
“I haven’t enjoyed anything as much as I enjoy being with her… Victoria.”
“Why is that, Saint?”
“She exposed me to a side of myself I hadn’t known existed. She exposed me to love. I know what a content life is. I know what a rich life is. I’ve lived that. Victoria is contentment with the addition of sparkles.”
“I think it’s wonderful that you’ve found someone so pivotal to your emotional growth.”
“You don’t think it’s codependent?” I asked.
I was looking for any excuse that would endorse my apprehension and make distancing myself from Victoria simpler.
“Being in love with someone who makes your life feel richer is far from codependency. You stated your life was content and rich without her. Codependency means addiction to the relationship. It’s dysfunctional and comes at the expense of your own needs. From what you’ve told me about your wife, your marriage is far from codependent.”
I nodded my head in agreement with her explanation. The war inside my head still raged in favor of distance, however.
“What makes you feel like it’s codependent?”
“Nothing. There are just times when I can’t imagine returning to life without her presence in it.”
“Because you’ve fallen in love with her. Your feelings are highly intense because this is the first time you’ve experienced love. That doesn’t mean you’re codependent. Lean into your feelings for this woman –Victoria– that you’ve married. That’s our time, for now, Saint. I do wish you the best.”
Despite what Dr. Gibson said, I continued to cradle the doubts heavy in my head. They evaded all the joy, all the comfort, all the love I’d begun to feel coursing through my veins. I could have simply asked Victoria if she’d stay without the money, but I’d psyched myself out to believe she wouldn’t. A man of my word, I wouldn’t waffle against it. I promised her the money so she’d receive it.
Victoria had seen right through me, peeling away the armor of pride and solitude I’d worn to protect myself. As problematic as it was, I stayed the course. The extensive time we’d spent together was required to sift through my heart’s contents. What I found was love. A foreign invader, it wasn’t supposed to be there. I’d never felt anything like it. Sure, I loved my family as they loved me, but I was born into that. I’d been groomed to possess feelings for them.
This was something entirely different.
Something I hadn’t prepared for. Something deep, rich, poignant, and raw.
When she made it home, I waited as I listened to her footsteps tread the halls in search of me. As I rested against the patio lounger, I heard her draw near. Finally, she opened the back door.
“Hey, Saint. Is everything all right?” Wrinkle lines dug into her face as her eyes fell on me. She was worried.
Mirroring her features, I frowned. “No, Tori. It’s not.”
“Baby, tell me what’s wrong.”
She drew near me, forcing me to stand in retreat. I couldn’t bear her closeness. She’d siphon me in and wouldn’t let go. “Tori.” I held an outstretched arm, requesting distance.
“Saint?”
The concern painted on her face. The fear. The worry. All bought and paid for. She hadn’t caused my alarm. It was me. I was the monster. The beast who’d manufactured love. I’d petitioned this farce, falling down a loop of confusion and big feelings that led me to stand before her, prepared to splinter her bubbly aura and fracture her heart.
Of course, I loved her. That was the problem. We were only supposed to play house, not build one.
“I made a mistake. This was a mistake. Us…” I motioned between the two of us.