Page 130 of Love Unwritten
“The person you hurt. Why did you do it?” he asks.
It takes me a few seconds to consider a good enough response for a nine-year-old kid. “I was scared.”
“Of what?”
“Getting too close to them.”
“Hm.” He snuggles deeper into my chest.
“What?”
“I get scared of getting close to people too.”
“You do?”
He starts tracing invisible patterns on my chest. “I don’t want them to leave one day.” He pauses to take a shaky breath. “Like Mommy did.”
I crush his body against mine. “I don’t want that either.”
Seeing as my own mom left my dad and me, I understand Nico’s fear. It was one that I never truly got over, in part because my father never helped me process it in the first place. I wasn’t allowed to grieve my mother, let alone show any sadness about her leaving.
Boys don’t cry, he told me whenever I thought about my mom.
I’ll give you a real reason to shed some tears if you keep it up, he said while high as a kite on whatever he scored that week.
Unlike my father, I want to give Nico a safe space to talk out his feelings, regardless of how I personally feel about his mother. In the end, we were both to blame for our marriage failing.
Instead of understanding myself better before getting into a serious relationship at only seventeen, I picked the first woman I formed a bond with, whether it was a good one or not, and clung to her. And just like my parents, I’ve allowed my negative relationship with my ex-wife to impact the way I connect with others.
With Ellie.
I tighten my hold around my son. “Sometimes people leave, no matter how much we want them to stay.”
His shoulders slump with defeat. “That’s not fair.”
“I know.”
“What’s the point of letting people get close, then?”
I consider his question. I’ve done a thorough job at keeping people at a distance, but what has it gotten me besides chronic loneliness? I’ve spent so much time avoiding people in general because I thought I would be better off not forming connections, but I’m far from happy.
I kiss the top of his head. “Because life is about finding the right people who want to stay and making sure neither of you ever let go.”
I stare out at the ocean with Nico tucked against my side, wishing I could save him from any more hurt while also acknowledging that there isn’t anything I can do to stop it from happening.
All I can do is be a positive role model for him so he doesn’t fall into the same harmful patterns I did. I don’t want him to be wary of everyone because that is no way to live. I’ve spent the last two years doing that, and I have been nothing but miserable.
I want to be better. For Nico. For Ellie. For me.
And I want to start now.
The rest of the day is spent feeling uncomfortable, with Ellie only speaking to me when absolutely necessary. Nico carries the conversation throughout dinner while Ellie answers his questions without trying to include me. It is painful to know I stole her happiness, especially when I compare the way she is acting to our previous dinners.
Before, she was bright-eyed and expressive, pulling me into conversations whether I wanted to engage or not, but now she can hardly look at me.
It makes me feel like absolute shit, and I need to fix things before they spiral out of my control.
Later that night, once Nico falls asleep, I knock on Ellie’s cabin door. She doesn’t answer right away, but I can make out the faint sound of a strumming guitar through the crack.