Page 40 of The Fast Lane

“Okay, that was awkward.”

Things were never awkward between us anymore because I made sure they weren’t. I’d had years to get over this teenage infatuation with him. I mean, after that one time he made it very clear I needed to get over it.

And then Mom and Dad sat me down and told me I needed to get over it.

And Abe had sat me down and…well, you get the picture.

So, I’d hiked up my big girl soccer shorts and did it; I got over him. It was a mind over matter thing really. All about willpower and self-control. I hardly had a passing thought of Theo Goodnight and his crinkly, laughing eyes and his slow smiles and…

But just now, neither one of us could look the other in the eye and we had days, days, still stuck in a car together. I couldn’t stand it if this awkwardness followed us for the whole trip. I needed to fix this.

Resolved, I ripped the bathroom door open and stomped back into the room. Theo was in the same place I left him, sitting up in bed, a curious expression in his blue eyes. It would help if he wasn’t so dang handsome; it made my knees weak sometimes.

Then again, I feared Theo could one day decide to take up playing the recorder while wearing a foam cheese wedge hat every day of his life and I’d find it sexy. Not that there was anything wrong with occasionally admiring from afar. As long as I didn’t start writing poetry again and naming our children.

“I want you to know I won’t make things weird,” I blurted out and kept going before I lost the nerve. “I mean, I’m not a teenage girl with a crush anymore.”

Theo’s eyes widened.

“This morning was weird, okay? We…you know.” My eyes landed on the bed with emphasis. “It looks like I invaded your personal space and?—”

“Ali—”

I held my hand up. “No, let me talk. I know you don’t think of me as anything besides a friend, a little sister, whatever, and that’s okay. I’m over all that. I promise.”

And the understatement of the year goes to Ali Ramos.

I forged on, determined to get this out even if I melted from pure embarrassment in the process. “I made things very uncomfortable for you back then. But I’m not a dumb kid anymore and I don’t want what happened last time to happen again.”

It had been awful. After my latest scheme to get Theo to notice me, which involved a series of increasingly obvious anonymous love letters I mailed to him at college, it had all come to a head when I’d shown up at his dorm room unannounced. I’d only had my license for a week, skipped school, wore what I’d deemed my most alluring outfit, drove to College Station and surprised him on a random Thursday morning with one last letter and a truly horrid poem I’d written.

Then, because I didn’t do things by half, after professing my undying love, I’d gone for it. I’d tried to kiss him.

I still cringed just thinking about how gentle and kind and patient he’d been. How he’d sidestepped the kiss and carefully explained I was too young and didn’t know what I was saying. How I’d put on a brave face and laughed it off as a huge prank.

“I really got you, didn’t I?” I’d bragged, grinning so widely my face had hurt.

I was sure he’d seen right through me, but Theo being Theo, his kindness had won out and he’d gone with it. Then I’d punched him in the arm good-naturedly even though my heart had been shriveling up at that very moment. God, I’d been so young and clueless.

Despite all that, the next three years were strained and awkward between us. I made myself scarce when he was around. We didn’t joke around anymore; I didn’t clamor to sit next to him at every meal. I couldn’t look him in the eye, and sometimes, I’d catch him staring at me across a room, confusion and hurt in his eyes. We barely spoke two words to each other, and when we did, they were painfully polite.

It had been too much, and I’d missed his friendship. So, I’d willed myself to get over it. By the time I got home from my first year at college, I’d made the decision we would be friends again. I willed that into existence too.

Things had been fine for years between us. Sure, sure, the feelings tended to rear their ugly head when I least expected them, but I pushed them down and went on. I dated, Theo dated, and we were okay. I’d rather have Theo as a friend. I chose that over some dumb crush.

Now, with Theo in front of me, watching me with serious blue eyes, I knew I’d made the right decision.

“I just want to say thanks for being my friend. It was sweet of you to help me last night. I want you to know there will be absolutely no weirdness from me. Nope. We can both agree we’ll forget about all this and, you know, go back to being completely un-weird.” Like a dork, I shot him with a finger-gun with the sound and everything. “So, we good?”

There. That felt better. But then the silence stretched from uncomfortable to very uncomfortable territory. And Theo wasn’t saying anything; in fact, he looked partially stunned, partially something else and his eyes were so…intense.

Should I have said all that? No. Or yes? I don’t know. I thought of Alec telling me I was emotionally unavailable. Which was basically a fancy way of saying I didn’t share my feelings. This was why. When I did, it came out like this.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, inching back to the bathroom. “I made it weird trying to reassure you I wouldn’t make it weird.”

Quickly, I skittered inside the bathroom, closing the door and leaning against it. Huge gulps of air filled my lungs. I stood there waiting for the embarrassment to put me out of my misery by spontaneous combustion.

A quiet knock on the door startled me.