Page 99 of The Fast Lane
I swallowed and put some distance between us. “What did that mean? That kiss?”
“What do you mean?” Those two little tick marks between his eyebrows appeared, and his body tensed.
“I can’t play pretend or…or just have fun. Not with you. If that didn’t mean something to you, then I want to know now.”
His shoulders relaxed. “Ali.”
“Yeah.”
“I thought I made that clear.”
“No, no, you did not. You’ve been confusing me for the last five days.” I began to pace. “You’ve been flirty and touchy-feely and, I don’t know, all intense stares, and I have no idea what it means.”
“It means…”
I held up my hand. “Let me finish.” My stomach dipped. I didn’t want to say any of this. Fight through it, Ramos. Be brave. “We both know I had a thing…no, I’m being brave, I have a thing for you. I-I really, really like you. It took a long time to get over it when I was a kid. You don’t know how much you broke my heart. I know, I was sixteen and dumb, and you did the right thing, I’m not blaming you. But it still hurt. A lot. I’ve had to work hard to be okay with us being friends. Really hard.”
Theo sat on the edge of the bed, his eyes following me as I walked back and forth.
“I don’t know if I can handle getting over you again. I’m supposed to be on a Love Sabbatical. I’m taking a break from all this love crap but here I am, trapped with the guy I’ve been half in love with for half my life and he’s been clear we’re only friends and now he’s kissing me. What am I supposed to do with that?”
My breath was coming quickly, and I wondered if I was having a panic attack. Wouldn’t that be something?
Doctor: What triggers your panic attacks?
Me: Driving. Oh, and sharing my deeply held feelings with a man I am ninety-five percent in love with. Now, how about some Xanax?
“You done?” Theo asked quietly.
I steeled myself and nodded.
He waited until I walked by him again and snagged my hand to pull me closer until I stood between his legs. I stared at my bare feet. “I really, really like you, too, Ali. I haven’t been trying to give you mixed signals. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you that.”
I braved a glance at his face. Pink stained his cheeks, and I thought maybe he was having trouble getting this out too.
“I’m not sure I’m good relationship material.” The words tumbled out of my mouth. “Maybe I’m too selfish or…or too emotionally distant…or just a little too damaged.”
“Ali, you are not damaged.”
A humorless laugh tumbled from my mouth. “I am, at least a little.” I tapped a finger to my head. “Weirdly wired brain. I could short-circuit at any second and have a seizure. There’s no guarantee that one won’t happen fifteen minutes from now. I might never be able to drive and…and what if one day, I become someone’s mom. It will always be in the back of my mind. I could have a seizure while I’m alone with my kid. And…”
He picked up both my hands and laced our fingers together. “I’ve never heard you talk like this. Where is this coming from?”
I shrugged. “Alec said some things when we broke up about how I was ‘emotionally unavailable’ and ‘closed off.’”
Theo’s eyes grew wide and then narrowed. “What an ass.”
“He broke up with me through a text and blocked my number so I couldn’t reply. Started dating two days after we broke up.”
“I amend my previous statement,” he said, his voice grim. “This is an ass and a tool.”
I couldn’t help but smile at how outraged he sounded on my behalf. “I’ve never told anyone that. Don’t be too mad at him. I think he’s right about some of those things. I don’t share my feelings, my real feelings. I hide a lot. I’m in plain sight, but I’m hiding. Smiling and going with the flow. And no one seems to question it, you know?”
He tugged until I sat on one of his legs. One of his hands cupped my cheek. “I see you.”
The thing was that I believed him. He did see me. Maybe he always had.
“Hey, no crying.” He caught the tears with his thumbs.