Page 34 of Bishop
Another orgasm, nearly double the strength of the first one, builds inside of me. The moment Bishop drops his head and sucks on my neck, I clamp down hard on him and moan his name loud.
"Yes, give me more, Gabi," Bishop leans up. I'm crazed, drifting in and out on the tide of euphoria. Every thrust, every look, keeps me riding that high. But I want to go higher.
Not thinking of any consequences, I reach down, grab his hand, and place it on my neck. A flash of something I don't recognize flits through his gaze, but he keeps his hand where I placed it.
"Tell me what you want, beautiful. Tell me."
Electricity zings through my body. The neurons in my head no longer fire in the right succession. I can't sugarcoat what I want from him. I can't hide my darkest desire.
"Squeeze harder, Bishop. Squeeze. Make it hurt."
His hips falter, but I wrap my legs tighter around him.
"What?" He tries to move his hand from my neck, but I hold it still.
"Hurt me. I want you to hurt me, Bishop."
That look is back again. I know what it is this time. Disappointment. Slowly, Bishop stops moving, and when I try to move my hips to get what I need, he reaches down to stop me.
"Gabrielle, stop this. We can't be this way."
The euphoria is gone now as he pulls out of my still soaking wet core. Now it's replaced with anger.
"What? I thought you said you were up for this." I sit up quickly, making him fall back on his haunches.
"I am. I'm down to fuck, have sex, make love, whatever you want to call it, but I'm not going to hurt you. Not now. Not after everything. I'm not going to add on to the shit you're holding in." He shakes his head and swings his legs over to the side of the bed.
"Bishop, you don't need to worry about what I'm holding in. This is what I need." Softening my voice, I crawl over to him and lay a sweet kiss on his shoulder. He pulls away and gets to his feet.
"You need me to hurt you? Make you feel more pain?"
I jump to my feet, shouting back at him, "Yes. This is what I am now, Bishop. All I know is pain! Pain drowns all the shit out. All the worry, anxiety... the fucking fear. I thought you said you wanted to help me. You said you'd give me anything."
He puts a hand out, taking a step closer. "I want to help you. I want to be everything you need, but this isn't something you need. I won't hurt you just so you can lump me in with everyone else who's done the same."
The anger I felt moments ago turns to rage. "Fine. I should've known. I don't need you for anything. You can stay the hell away from me too."
He's still trying to talk to me as I shove my clothes back on but I'm not interested in anything he has to say. I needed him for one thing and he's already told me that he's not going to do it.
I want to put my fist through a wall. Want to fight. Want to scream.
I need to do something to get rid of these horrendous emotions raging through me. I run back to my room, tears streaming down my face and my heart pounding in my ears.
Pushing my hands into my hair I pull at the strands. Hard. The pain is a relief and I still want more.
My eyes land on the small desk I bumped into earlier and rush to see what's inside. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for but when I see the small exacto knife I know what to do.
Sweat pours down my face mixing in with my tears as I press the extra sharp blade to my forearm. Before I make the first cut my mind slingshots to both Uma and Willa. Killing myself now would only sully their memory. No, just the pain not the abyss.
I turn my arm to stay away from any vital veins or arteries and cut along the meaty part of my forearm. The first slice makes my eyes rolls back. It's only a portion of the feelings I got with Bishop but just a little more and I'll be back on that high.
Another cut.
One more.
The door to my room flies open and Bishop's mouth flies open. "What the fuck. No!" He roars at me. I skitter back taking the small blade with me.
"It's fine, I got it." I try to turn away from him so I can continue cutting myself but Bishop closes the distances between us and grabs hold of my wrists.