Page 103 of Heartless

“I’ve been attending counseling without even knowing it,” I share.

I tell him about Claire, how we first met, and the time we’ve spent together.

“The reason that I never wanted to go is related to the same reason I had difficulty accepting your wealth. My father taught us that it was not okay and that mental health meant you were crazy. Anyone considered remotely crazy was to be hidden away, and the family only discussed them in hushed tones.

“In the black community we shun mental health, therapy, psychological challenges, and everything related to it. It’s been a way of life for us, and it’s hard to accept that struggling with things like depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues is not taboo. That doesn't make us bad people.

“Speaking with Claire was like talking to my aunt or a close friend. I was comfortable and at ease. When I realized that she was a psychologist, I was shocked but not upset. It made me more amenable to attending counseling sessions. There are so many principles that we’ve bought into as a culture that’s just wrong.”

“We weren’t taught that. Perhaps it had something to do with my father being white versus my mom being black. Maybe there was some sort of balance there. I don’t know. However, I’ve been going to counseling myself,” Onyx says, surprising me.

“I never would have expected you to go to counseling.”

“I needed it as much as you did. Ian said as much to me, but I didn’t agree. After a while, I realized that I did need it, as well. So, if we’re doing this thing together, when are you coming back? I know that you said you didn’t want to come back to the house, but I’d be willing to leave and let you stay there for a while. I can get a hotel or a place in town.”

Shaking my head, I say, “No. I think I’ll stay here.”

“How is that going to work, MJ?”

“We’ll find ways if we’re willing to make it work. I can come to town a couple of weekends of the month, and you can come to the island a couple of weekends in the month. When I come to town to visit my family, I can stop in and see you if your schedule permits.”

“My schedule will always have room for you, love.”

“I’m scared, Onyx.”

“I know, MJ. And I can’t say that I haven’t given you a reason to be. I’m just asking that you be with me and that we take this one day at a time.”

My stomach tightens as I prepare to say what’s coming next.

“Onyx, I um...I don’t know if you can handle this. I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to be comfortable becoming intimate with you again. Every time that thought arises, I get angry, and I cry and I...”

I cannot finish my sentence as my emotions overwhelm me.

Onyx moves from his seat to come and sit beside me on the love seat.

“Hey,” he says, wrapping his arms around me. “I know this won’t be easy for either of us, MJ. But I’m in it for the long haul. No matter how difficult or stressful this might become, I’m here for you. I just need to know that you’re here for me, too. It’s going to take both of us if we want this to work.”

I break down, sobbing further and turn to him. “Onyx, I’ve put all the blame for the failing of our marriage on you. I’msorry. You weren’t to blame alone. You gave me everything that you had to give in the beginning. You’ve been by my side even when I didn’t want this...want us anymore. I’ve failed you, O, as a friend, as a lover, and as a wife. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, all we can do is take it one day at a time. The journey won’t always be easy, but I guarantee if we work through it together, it will be worth it.”

Onyx leans in closer and presses a kiss to my forehead.

“Can I use your bathroom?” he asks, looking around.

“Yes. It’s right through there,” I say, pointing at the door to the bedroom.

The tiny cottage has one bedroom with an attached bathroom, a kitchen, a dining room, and a living room. That’s all the space that I’ve needed while I’ve taken time out for me.

At the last minute, I jump up, rushing by him.

“Just a minute. I didn’t clean the bathroom.”

“It’s okay, MJ. I just need to use the toilet.”

“Just give me a second,” I say, pushing the bedroom door open.

I slip into the bathroom and brush my hand against the pregnancy sticks, shoving them into the trash can just as Onyx pushes the door open.