Page 40 of Heartless
“Probably me coming out of the shower. There’s a clog in the guest bathroom that I need to clear. I didn’t feel like messing with it tonight, and I hate using the hall bathroom so I came in here.”
“You don’t have to use that bathroom. And you don’t have to sleep in the guest room, Onyx.”
“I know. I just hate arguing with you all the time,” he says.
He’s lying on his side of the bed facing me, and I mentally trace the handsome features of his face; the regal nose with the bearing of a prince, those full, pillow-soft lips, the high cheekbones that look as if they were carved on his face, and those bedroom eyes fringed by long lashes.
I reach out to touch him because I can’t help myself. It’s the first time in a long while since I have. Onyx burrows into my touch as though he is starving for it.
Tentatively, I lean forward and press my lips to his. He doesn’t move but remains still as if waiting for my next move.I keep my eyes closed and remain still until the fire, the desire, and the need burn me up.
Slowly, I begin kissing him. Onyx opens his mouth to me. His tongue is warm and smooth with the faint taste of alcohol.
I feel his hunger, but I know that he’s hesitant to take me. With the way that I’ve pushed him away lately, he’s not certain what to expect from me.
Pulling my nightgown up and over my head, I tell my husband, “I need you tonight.”
“Tonight only?” he asks.
I’m afraid that if I answer him, he’ll turn me away, so I don’t. I only say, “Please.”
“I feel like you’re using me, MJ.”
My eyes narrow. “Don’t talk. Just...please.”
Onyx rolls me from my side and onto my back, spreading my legs with ease as he shifts into place over me. He spends long minutes kissing me, and when he finally takes me, he does so with ease, gratitude, and humility.
I wrap my legs around him, accepting him into my body but not into my heart and soul. I’ve erected barriers against my husband partially because I want to protect him from this darkness growing inside of me and partially because I blame him.
This is my goodbye because deep within, I know that I cannot stay. I have to leave Onyx if I’m to find peace of mind and myself again.
I don’t know when or how, but I sense it coming.
10 – ONYX
I hold her tight because I don’t know what else to do. It’s been a rough couple of months for my wife and me, and I wish that I could turn back the hands of time.
Meadow has been forlorn and distant since the evening of her attack, refusing help or counseling.
In silence, she struggles with panic attacks, depression, and nightmares. She thinks that I don’t know about the panic and anxiety, but I do. She hates that I watch her closely so I pretend not to just to make her feel more confident.
Whenever I bring up to her that she needs counseling, she shuts me down. She’s forced me to shut everyone else out because she believes the two of us could get through this together. Yet, she hasn’t allowed me to help her at all. What she hadn’t considered was who would help me through?
“Baby, tell me what can I do? I need you.”
Last night, she allowed me to make love to her. In fact, she initiated it which was a shock to me.
She turns away from me and buries her face into the pillow. I heave a sigh and wrap my arm around her, but she shrugs me off.
“Go away.”
“I’m not going away, Meadow. I’ll be here for you until the end.”
“I want a divorce, Onyx.”
My heart seizes inside of my chest.
“What?”