Page 88 of Heartless

“And were you? Threatening him, I mean?”

Inhaling deeply and exhaling, I reply, “In some ways, I guess I was. I hoped that by me telling him that, he’d get his act together.”

“And do what? Decide to get tested to find out if it’s him who can’t procreate? Stop flirting with other women?”

“All of that. I thought he’d see how serious it was to me.”

“And what about how serious it was to him? Didn’t his feelings matter in this, too?”

“They did. But he told me he wanted to start a family. Whose side are you on anyway?”

“It’s not about sides anyway. It’s about right and wrong. Onyx had the right to change his mind, and he did. He said that you needed counseling, and you refused to get help. Just like youwanted him to get tested, you should have been willing to meet him halfway there by seeking therapy, Meadow. What happened to you wasn’t simple.

“You were assaulted, Meadow, and afraid for your life. Not to mention that you were scared he would find your home and attack you. You even said it yourself that you deal with nightmares and struggle with panic attacks. Those are not two things to be taken lightly. And while I’m no doctor, it seems to me you may be battling depression as well.

“Having a child ain’t for the faint of heart, and postpartum depression is very real. Any current mental health issues you might be having don’t need to be compounded by that. Girl, get your life together and then focus on starting a family.”

“So, you’re saying my husband is right?”

“About that, yes. But not about him flirting with other women or cheating on you. You have every right to be upset.”

“I loved him with all my heart, and I was afraid that my darkness would put out his light. I couldn’t break through the depression,” I say as my voice breaks.

Mak leans close to the camera. “Oh, honey, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be furious. Let it out. But Onyx needs to own his shit, Meadow.”

“I know,” I cry. “I just need a second.”

I sit down in the sand and pull my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I see Matt and a few others in the distance. He’s wrapping an arm around a beautiful brunette woman, and they both look happy.

I hope that they never endure the pain that Onyx and I have.

Every time I think about those text messages, it rips me apart. How could he do that to me? I love that man with all my heart.

“But here’s the thing, Meadow. You have to own your part in this, too. I’m not just talking about allowing him to flirt.”

I nod.

“I’m talking about how you punished him after the attack.”

My voice is a light squeak on the wind. “I know, Mak.”

“You’re not only pushing him away sexually, but you’re also not telling him how he can help you. Instead, you’re telling him that you don’t want him around, and that you don’t need him.

“Aside from sex, a man’s greatest need is to know that he can and is protecting those he loves, especially his wife and kids. When they fail to do that, a man feels he has no purpose. You’re telling Onyx that in so many words, honey. That’s why he’s seeking comfort elsewhere because you’re sending him the message that he’s not good enough in so many areas.”

Rolling my eyes, I say, “I know that, and as much as I knew that I was wrong in doing it, I couldn’t stop. I don’t want to be a bitch, but I’m hurting, Mak.”

“Then let him help you. Let that man help you find healing. You both need healing. That’s what marriage is all about. The two of you walking in unity to navigate this twisty, challenging journey called life. You lift one another up when the other is weak and enhance each other’s strengths. You’re tearing him down from the inside out. What do you expect to get in return?”

“I just need time, Mak.”

“Time to do what?”

“I need time away, without him or anyone else in my ear, to figure out what’s really going on inside of me. There’s so much to unpack. And I want and need to do that alone.”

Mak presses her lips together in resignation and nods.

“Sis, I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I wish that it hadn’t. But I want you to know that I will always have your back no matter what you decide. I hate that your marriage is breaking down over this.