Page 90 of Heartless
I inhale deeply and press my hands on the middle of my stomach to ease the knots and blow out a breath.
“To tell you that I need more time. If you haven’t already signed the papers, then don’t.”
“What?”
“I need some time to truly figure me out, O. I sent those papers out of anger.”
“So, you’re coming back home?”
“I never said that. Not right now, anyway. We’re on two different pages. It’s not fair for you to have to change who you are and what you want any more than it’s fair to ask that of me.”
“I wasn’t trying to change you.”
“Yes, you were. I wanted what I wanted, and I wasn’t backing down on that, but you cheated.”
“MJ, I had no idea if you wanted me or not. You were always telling me that you didn’t want me around and to leave you. By the time that rhetoric changed, I’d already fucked up. You were taking us both through hell.”
“I’d have waited for an eternity for you to get yourself together had the roles been reversed. You had sex with her, O. And I saw the text messages between the two of you where you indicated it was hard for you to not want her. I cannot be in a marriage like that, knowing that you want another woman and that the only thing standing in your way is that you don’t want to hurt me, Onyx.”
“Baby,” he sighs dramatically.
“Don’t make this hard, Onyx.”
“You’re just giving up on us like that?”
“You did.”
“No, I didn’t. I fought for you, but you pushed me away.”
“And then you gave up and went to another woman for what I wasn’t willing to give you. I’ve always known that it would be that way. You need too much adoration from other women for you not to be that way. You were never going to be strong in the weak moments, O.
“You’ve been coddled from birth and told that whatever you wanted was yours to have. Nothing has ever been denied you until I couldn’t be what you needed because I wasn’t even enough for myself. How in the hell could I be enough for you?”
“We can get counseling, MJ. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Just don’t walk away from me.”
“You did that, not me. As I said, I haven’t made up my mind about anything specific yet. I have to go, O. This hurts too much.”
“Baby, please don’t hang up.”
Those are the last words that I hear before I click the line off. I power my phone off and press my back against the headboard.
23– MEADOW
“You’re giving him the power now. He didn’t just steal your power the day that he assaulted you, but every time you turned away from your husband, pushed him away and didn’t allow him to protect you, you gave him your power. Every time you run from facing things head-on, you give him that power.”
I wipe the tears from my face and stare out at the ocean.
Claire and I are walking along the water’s edge with our bare feet covered in sand and mud. We came down to pick up seashells, but Claire, who enjoys having these little talks with me over creative tasks, always finds a way to get me to open up about the things that I don’t want to talk about.
“I know that. It’s hard for me to acknowledge that some days but most days I do.”
“How does it make you feel knowing that they caught him?”
“I thought that I would feel safer knowing that he’s behind bars, but that didn’t happen.”
“So, you’re still feeling unsafe?”
“Why?” she asks after I nod.