Page 97 of Heartless

“Never underestimate a man determined to get his woman back. He’ll do whatever is necessary to make that happen.”

“Mm,” I murmur.

“What’s that mean?” she teases me back, elbowing me.

I laugh and pull the letter free.

“Well, I’ll let you get back to reading the letter.”

“No. Wait,” I say, grabbing her elbow.

She looks at me curiously.

“I may need a bit of cleaning up when I’m done reading. I tend to get emotional over these letters. You might have to psychoanalyze me. You know, I think you missed your calling. All that handcrafted jewelry that you make from bits of seashells is beautiful, but you really could have been a therapist or something. Not that I needed it, but talking to you has helped me a lot.”

“Good. But you’re not too far off the mark.”

“What does that mean?”

“I am a licensed psychologist. I have been for thirty-two years.”

I stare at her with bewilderment. “Are you serious?”

She nods. “I am. It’s why I made my way out there to you in the water that evening when we first met. I’ve seen one too many suicidal people. I was worried about you, but after talking with you for a bit, I knew that wasn’t your mindset. You were safe, so I left you alone.”

“But I didn’t say anything.”

“It wasn’t what you said or didn’t say. It was your lack of action. You weren’t desperate. You were simply seeking peace from your troubling thoughts.”

I smile at her and reach for her hand. She squeezes mine in return.

I turn my gaze to the letter and begin reading it silently.

MJ,

I know that you think I was ignoring what you said in the last letter that you wrote to me. I wasn’t. I just didn’t want to try and placate you with empty words and phrases.

So, I took time to think about what I wanted to say.

What I want to say is that I know that I hurt you. I know that my actions hurt, as well as the words that I spoke and those that I didn’t speak. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t trying to hurt you.

Although I fought the temptation to be with Sharla for quite a while, when I gave in, I finally gave in, not giving a damn about your feelings. I was wrong.

I wanted you to hurt the way that you hurt me. When I stopped to think about it, that was the true motive behind my decision to tell you about Sharla. It was also the reason that I didn’t delete those messages from my phone or change my passcode.

I was a selfish bastard full of anger and hurt, and I wanted to lash out against you.

You were already hurting, and you didn’t deserve my childish behavior. I never thought that I was truly worthy of your love, MJ. You were always a good person. An even better woman. I took our marriage and your love for granted and for that, I’m sorry.

I decided to send Sharla to our NYC office to head up the HR division there, but she had an even better plan. She resigned and moved back to California where she’s opening her ownbusiness. There will be no need for her and me to interact anymore.

Aside from that, I’ve been taking a deeper look at myself. I was so busy trying to push you to counseling that I didn’t realize that I needed it, too. I have begun seeing a therapist, and although I’ve only had three sessions so far, it’s helped me to look deep within and begin to unlock some stuff that I had to deal with.

The affirmations that I always needed from women was because my mother was the only one to affirm me, but not my father. Hell, I could write a book on that.

I’m not telling you this to make excuses. I’m just letting you know that I’m finally dealing with my shit, too. I want the same for you, but I can’t force you to do what you don’t see as useful.

I pray that one day, you will let me back in and that my love could be the healing that you need.