Page 35 of 21 Years of Jane

“Help me sit up?” I asked Nolan.

He slid me up gently and in a manner where he wouldn’t have to move Liam from the bed, or so that he wouldn’t have to remove the food tray. Once I was situated, I watched Liam as he carefully peeled the straw off the back out the pouch and began the task of poking it through the hole. It took him a few frustrated tries, but once he got it, he gave me the biggest smile.

“Thanks, Nugget!” I said as he handed it to me.

I took a sip.

Fruit Punch, his favorite.

“I tried to cut your sandwich in half, but Mom told me that I couldn’t use the knife. So I ripped it in half for you,” he said, holding out half.

I grinned when I saw where his small fingers had punctured the bread and its contents. I took a big bite and he grinned happily.

“I’m gonna go make you one too, Nolan,” he said, suddenly hopping off of the bed and running out of the room.

We both laughed. Liam was such a good kid and I loved him so much. I don’t know where he got his strength from, but if I could just get one tenth of it, I knew I’d be okay.

About five minutes later, he came in juggling another sloppy PB&J sandwich and juice pouch. He handed them both to Nolan and pulled himself up onto the bed.

I finished my sandwich and Nolan downed his in two bites. The three of us sat there quietly while I drank my juice and Nolan shared his with Liam.

“You look really pretty today, Starr,” Liam observed. “It’s almost like you’re not sick.”

“Thanks, Nugget,” I replied, pulling him into a hug.

“I asked Daddy and Mommy if I could give you my kidneys. They said I’m not big enough,” he said sadly.

“What?” I asked in surprise.

“My kidneys; I want to give them to you, but I’m not big enough.”

“Liam, look at me,” I said very seriously. “I want you to know that you are the best brother in the entire world. You want to do so much for me, and you don’t even worry or care if it will make you sick too. I promise that I will try to get better as soon as I can so that you don’t have to worry about me anymore. If I don’t, please don’t ever think it was your fault or that you could have done more. It’s just what happens to some people.”

“But it’s not a’sposed to happen to you,” he argued, bursting into tears.

I held him tightly and let him cry into my chest. Nolan reached between us, pulled out the food tray, and left the room. Silently, I was thankful to have this time alone with Liam. He and Stella had been wrecks since I had fallen at PPG, and I felt terrible for doing that to them.

“Liam, what on Earth?” Mom asked, rushing into the room.

“He’s just sad is all,” I explained, still hugging him.

“Why?” she asked, coming over to sit on the bed.

“Because he’s not big enough to give me his kidneys. He wanted to give me his legs for my birthday, you know,” I said quietly.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she said, collecting Liam from my arms and cradling him in hers. “Starr is going to be fine, Liam. Especially because she has you for a brother.”

I watched her get up and leave with him. I honestly wish she wouldn’t have said that. If I didn’t get kidneys in time, I didn’t want him to think it was his fault that I died.

I turned my face to look out the window. That was the first time in all of my life that I finally faced the prospect of mortality. The ESRD diagnosis didn’t count, because I was kind of out of it when they told me. But now, with Liam angry with himself for not being able to give me his kidneys, and Nolan trying holistic treatments to “save” me, I knew that everyone was worried.

Chapter Eleven

There was a soft knock at the door that took my attention away from the basically commuted death sentence. It was Nolan, and he was leaning against the door frame looking at me curiously.

“Is it okay if I come back in?” he asked.

“Always,” I replied, forcing a smile.