Page 30 of Trusting His Heart

Everything

Geoffrey hadn’t slept in days – the discomfort he tried to dismiss gradually increased until his general practitioner insisted on sending him to a urologist. At first, he wasn’t even going to make the appointment until Bec insisted. She resorted to using her very persuasive way of encouraging him to do what she wanted him to do. This time, it may have saved his life.

The next days blurred into a series of appointments and tests. Prodded and poked, ultra sounds and blood tests. Despite her own hectic schedule, Bec refused to let him go to any appointment alone. She never left his side, gently forcing him to ask the questions he didn’t want to know the answers to in case …

He knew the worse case scenario and whenever he tried to close his eyes at night, sleep was replaced with his darkest thoughts. He couldn’t fight, he had to fight, did he have the energy to fight? What did he have to live for? What if he fought hard, and lost the fight anyway.

Three days ago, a lifetime ago, he and Bec sat in Doctor Brook Davis’ rooms and joked about billable hours and all the ways they would celebrate surviving the unnecessary tests.

“Geoff, Rebecca, thanks for coming in at such short notice.”

“Doc, it sounded as though you couldn’t live another day without my company,” a feeble joke to hide his nerves. The doctor coughed and moved on without acknowledging the humor, “C’mon – it might not have been the best joke but it was worth at least a smile.”

“Geoff, as you know we have run a lot of tests. You know we found abnormal PSA levels and followed up with a biopsy. This has given us an idea of what we are up against.” Geoffrey barely noticed Bec take his hand as he experienced an out of body sensation. The doctor was talking to someone else. It wasn’t possible - worse, completely unfair – as soon as he decided to live and fall in love with an incredible woman, reengage with his friends, that his life would be taken away.

Unfair, he wanted to scream. He wanted to run from the room, until the doctor came to his senses and realized the tests were wrong. They had to be wrong.

“Geoff, are you okay, do you want a moment?” The genuine concern in his doctor’s voice reminded him of past fights with the dragon. His head in his hands, Geoffrey couldn’t raise up to meet the doctor’s gaze. What would he find – pity? He’d seen enough pity with his wife. His wife who fought the most gallant of fights with the dragon and still lost.

“I’m fine.” He wasn’t but he refused to break down in front of Bec. Oh, my, Bec, he thought, she didn’t sign up for this.

“Geoff, I am sorry to tell you that you have cancer.”

He walked from the doctor’s office days ago and now he had been absorbed into the well-established process of cancer treatment. Sure, he was assured the treatments were tailored for him as an individual, but he recognized the lines, the facial expressions of the clinical staff. Even the names of the drugs sounded familiar and yet he hoped they were improved over the ten years.

He was alone. The night they were given the news, Bec came back to his home and they talked until dawn. She promised to be by his side, at every step of the battle, offering to bring forward moving in with him. He watched her face and trusted she meant it. Despite her own fears and emotional triggers, she genuinely wanted to be there for him.

He loved her too much to allow her to throw away her second chance at life.

Geoffrey Swains, long advocate of fleeting relationships, had fallen in love. She infused him with a love of life and a willingness to be happy he suppressed for ten years.

Now it was all over. For the love of her, he needed to let her go and fight the dragon on his own.

He left her sleeping in his bed and checked into a hotel near the hospital. He would wait there until the final treatment schedule came through and then deal with each day as it came.

Layla became his single contact with the world. She arranged a car and driver to take him between the university and hospital appointments. Right now, he was determined not to let down his students or allow his colleagues to either find out or feel sorry for him.

Layla showed off her motherly best, as the only person who saw Geoffrey the man, struggling with his anger and self loathing. She was the only person he allowed to see the overwhelming feeling of despair before he cancelled each appointment hours before being due to attend.

Bec left an average of twelve voice messages each day. She sent three emails offering her support and friendship. He didn’t need her friendship. He needed her to live her life – without him.

“I’m sorry, Rebecca, there is nothing I can tell you. Geoffrey Swains is still a Professor here at the university and any other personal information you will have to get from the good man himself.”

Bec threw the phone at the wall, needing to vent her frustration and fear at the one thing that could connect her with Geoffrey but refused to.

She overcame her own embarrassment to reach out to Vice Chancellor Rigby, Geoffrey’s friend, to find out what was happening. Geoffrey’s voice mail didn’t give her any peace of mind – refusing to tell her why he left her in the middle of the night. No word, no explanation.

The questions plagued her. Had she been too clingy or too honest with her feelings? He once begged her for honesty and she thought he would see through any lie.

“I’m scared – for you and for us.” Did he only heard the fear and not the determination, “We will beat this thing – together.”

She wasn’t some innocent undergraduate who never faced death head on. Despite knowing the emotional toll of all the waiting - hours of waiting in hospital rooms, for tests to be conducted and the tests results to come in – she would go through it all again for Geoffrey. If only he would let her.

“Layla, it is Rebecca Garran again, is the Professor available?”

“I’m sorry, Ms Garran, the Professor is unavailable.”

“Layla, please, is he okay?”

“Ms Garran, I am not at liberty …”

“I know,” Bec cut in, “You are not at liberty to tell me where he is, whether he is getting treatment or anything at all that I need to know. Damn it, tell him to call me.”

Finally, Bec lost all reason to pretend things were okay. She ran to the ladies room, locked herself into a cubicle and allowed the ugly crying to engulf her.

When her husband was diagnosed with cancer, he pushed her away for her own good and then died.

Now her lover, her love, was diagnosed with cancer, and pushed her away for her own good.

Bec cried as she realized she never told Geoffrey she loved him. She wanted the first time to be perfect – waiting for their first night living together. If she had said the words, would he have still pushed her away?