Page 105 of Made for You

But not as miserable as I am.

“It’s fine,” I say brightly. “Thanks for stopping by.”

She takes the hint.

As soon as I’ve locked the door behind her, I fling open my laptop and pull up the tab where I already have Episode 1 ready. I sit on the living room floor with my second martini and the remainder of the bottle of vodka and hit Play.

It’s not until I see myself stepping out of the limo that I start to cry.

Hi.

Are you blushing?

I look so...young. So bright-eyed. So naive. Why does it hurt so much to see?

How can I make it stop hurting?

Sorry. Can we start again? Hi! I’m Julia.

Hi, Julia, I’m Josh. I see you’ve made yourself comfortable. I like that.

I find myself mouthing the words along with my old self.

I like you.

Part of me wants to reach forward and pluck her off the screen, out of the set, out from in front of Josh, and tell her no. Stop. Wait.

But what I want even more is to step into the screen. Back into the magic of that moment, and the moments that followed. And then, live it over. And over. And over. And fix it. Fucking fix whatever broke, before it breaks again.

I drag the video player backward.

Hi, Julia, I’m Josh. I see you’ve made yourself comfortable. I like that.

I like you.

I punch Pause. Back again.

As the vodka disappears and the hours tick forward, I’m transported to a softer place. The place that was supposed to be our foundation, and instead turned out to be nothing but a dream.

But what a lovely dream it was.

NOW

Eden’s arms fly around me as my legs buckle. She’s too small to hold my weight, and my knees crack against the tile as she sags to the floor with me.

“Julia!” she cries.

With a groan, I clutch my chest, then pitch forward. The fever is cresting. I can’t speak. I can’t breathe. I think I’m dying. And for the first time in my life, death sounds like good news.

Annaleigh, something inside me screams. You can’t leave her! You have to survive!

But I’m no longer in control of what happens.

I pass out. When I come to, I’m in a fetal position on the floor. Eden is shoving my shoulder, and I roll onto my back. The ceiling is stunningly bright.

Her voice is scared, intense. “I’m going to give you CPR, Julia.”

I think about that billboard.