Page 50 of Old Girls on Deck

‘You’ve never been a silly, fluttery person,’ I said reassuringly.

‘I thought, “This isn’t the way to end the evening.” And for a moment I even imagined having sex with him, and I’ll be honest, for a moment it seemed like a really good idea. But then I remembered the small cabins the crew have, and I chickened out, so instead, I just kissed him.’

I felt my jaw drop with shock.

‘You didn’t? Wow. You minx. You didn’t? Really?’

Diana gave a funny little smile and nodded.

‘It was the first time I had kissed a man for years. I’m only talking about pecks on the cheek before you start asking more questions. It was the first time I have properly kissed a man who wasn’t Casper. And then I scarpered. Do you know, I could almost hear our mother’s voice in my head, “You need to think about what you’ve done.”’

‘Yes, she said that a lot. So how do you feel now?’

Diana closed the minibar and came back to sit down. This time she had two miniatures of brandy in her hands. I thought of mentioning the state of our bar bill, but it didn’t seem the right moment, so I didn’t.

‘Shocked at myself, but I just want to laugh. It’s alright, Jill. I’ve realised it’s alright to do something unexpected and out of character. I’m not going to do anything stupid, don’t look so worried. I’m not going to rob a bank or start smoking a pipe. Or start conning people out of money. It’s not good to be unkind or rude or selfish, but it is alright to have fun.’

12

The following morning, I woke up at seven thirty, surprised I didn’t have a hangover. I looked over at my sister, who was still asleep, huddled under a mound of bedclothes.

What a surprise last night had been. I went back through what she had told me and felt astonished all over again. I even pulled a goodness me face even though there was no one to see it.

It had been Casper-and-Diana for such a long time, and she had been so devastated when he died, and then in the months afterwards had sunk into a quiet little pit that with the benefit of hindsight could be seen as depression. Why, when everyone seemed happy to discuss their issues, the way they are feeling, how insulted and hurt they are, was it still such a stigma to admit that death was still a crushing and long-lasting blow to the people left behind, I wondered. Why did people feel they needed to pretend everything was okay when it so obviously wasn’t. Was it to protect other people from their true state, or was it to protect themselves?

I could see we both needed to brighten up our lives and our attitudes, and the first thing we needed to do was wake up to the possibilities in front of us. And do something about them.

I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, where I stared intently at my reflection in the illuminated, triple mirror which threw back confusing reflections of a woman with mad, bed-hair and a huge splodge of mascara under one eye. I wondered how long that had been there. Why didn’t anyone tell me?

What did Eddy see in my face that he liked? I didn’t look that special to me, but then I did look very familiar. It can be very hard to see oneself dispassionately, I gave my reflection a smile and realised I needed to brush my teeth properly as the drinks of the previous evening had stained my teeth very unattractively.

Then I went and slapped Diana approximately where her bottom was and woke her up.

‘Come on, you temptress, it’s Barcelona day. We are booked on the tour and it leaves at ten o’clock.’

She rolled over and groaned.

‘Oh, my poor head. Oh, my poor brain. It wasn’t a dream, was it? Last night?’

‘Apparently not,’ I said.

‘What shall I do when I see him again?’

‘Nothing. Pretend nothing happened. Just talk to him.’

Diana lay and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes.

‘Yes,’ she said at last, ‘I will. We are two unattached adults; we weren’t breaking any laws.’

‘I hope not on a first date,’ I said, ‘although we were in international waters so I’m not sure.’

She got out of bed and padded over to the window.

‘Ports are never very attractive places, are they? A lot of containers and cranes and concrete buildings. Never mind, I know Barcelona will make up for it.’

It might have been my imagination, but there was something new about my sister. She seemed to have a new poise about her which I was delighted to see.

‘You look quite chipper this morning,’ I said.