Page 57 of Old Girls on Deck
‘Oh God! He didn’t mention that in his letter!’
‘You’ll be fine, Mrs Wedderburn,’ Charles said kindly. ‘I know you will.’
‘Ooh I say. They’ve just brought in some sausage rolls! You like those, don’t you? When the party breaks up, we still have time to catch the nine thirty performance,’ I said.
‘Not a chance,’ Diana replied. ‘I’ve eaten more than enough for one day. You can go to the show with Betsey and Cynthia if you like. I’ve got to go over my notes. For tomorrow.’
‘Oh yes, do come with us,’ Cynthia cooed, ‘we always sit in the second row, there’s a place there with a table and plenty of leg room. Stone has tipped one of the waiters to reserve it for us.’
The following morning I woke up to find Diana was already awake, sitting up in bed with her reading glasses on and her laptop on her knees.
She looked over at me very briefly.
‘Something awful is about to happen. This talk is going to be a disaster.’
I pulled myself up and looked at the time, it was six thirty.
‘We’re supposed to be on holiday. Do you think we could sleep in just once past eight o’clock? Look don’t get stressed out about it. It’ll be like being back in teaching again, in front of a class. We agreed it was okay to have fun, didn’t we?’
She sent me a hard look. ‘I wish I’d never agreed to this. It’s okay for you, thinking it’s all just a bit of fun. To me it’s very worrying. It was all very well in the days when I was teaching a class of five-year-olds the alphabet, but I probably couldn’t even do that any more now that the new phonics have been introduced. All of my training and experience is out of date.’
‘Nonsense, don’t be so down on yourself. You’ll be fine,’ I said. ‘Remember how that talk to the WI went down? And the Dick’s Diary thing? You were great.’
‘The WI thing was to a room full of people I knew, and half of them were deaf,’ she said crossly. ‘Anyway, how was the show last night?’
‘Very good. That singer from Broadway was on, Carol Cusson. A cross between Shirley Bassey and Dolly Parton. I think her bosom arrived on stage five minutes before she did. And she certainly had a powerful voice. I think our drinks were shaking when she hit the high notes. Like in Jurassic Park when the T-Rex makes an appearance.’
I went to have a shower and took extra care with my hair, taming it from its usual chaos. And then I spent some time in front of the unforgiving bathroom mirror applying make-up.
My goodness, I looked old. Why couldn’t there be a dimmer switch or something. Hollywood actresses always say good lighting is important, I’d love to know what they mean. I’ve never found lighting that I would consider ‘good’ unless all the lights are switched off. And I definitely needed to visit the spa for a haircut. A quick morning glance in the hall mirror at home was one thing, staring at my own reflection for twenty minutes in a well-lit bathroom was quite another. Where did those wrinkles come from? And those sagging bits?
I smoothed my fingers under my jaw line. I had jowls? And had my neck always been that saggy? Perhaps I should have paid attention to the magazine experts years ago; cleanse, tone, moisturise. And use sunscreen. And don’t smoke or drink.
Instead, I had grabbed whatever was nearest when I washed my face, sometimes even coal tar soap, and only sometimes used a dab of body lotion on my face. I’d been known to wash my hair with washing up liquid. And I had smoked when I was younger, and used what was basically scented olive oil when it was sunny. Now it had all come back to haunt me.
I pulled a face at myself in the mirror and my mother grimaced back.
14
‘I’m too nervous to eat breakfast, I want to sort out some more pictures and some of the graphs I made for Casper’s talk,’ Diana said.
I decided to dress up smartly for the occasion in a silk shirt, a cashmere cardigan and some new trousers which were unexpectedly a bit tight around the middle. I held my breath and sucked in the tummy which seemed to be returning far faster than it had gone.
‘You look very sophisticated for what’s probably going to be a non-event,’ Diana said gloomily.
‘Now, none of that defeatist talk. I’m taking a leaf out of Betsey and Cyn’s book,’ I said, rubbing a fingertip over my lipstick, which was pink and perfectly matched my cardigan. ‘I am going to turn into a polished, elegant older lady who has a capsule wardrobe. Wasn’t there a thing on social media recently that said everyone should stop buying new clothes and throw away fifteen things every day? Or was it every week? I’m going to be like that.’
‘But then eventually you’d end up with nothing. So what will you get rid of first? Your collection of Guns ’N’ Roses tour T-shirts or your vast collection of milk jugs?’ Diana asked.
‘Well not those things, obviously. Marie Kondo said no one should have more than thirty books. Which is ludicrous, I have about three thousand. Not to mention the strange Haynes Owners’ Workshop Manuals Eddy has stacked up in his study. I’ve been buying them as joke presents for him for years. He even has one on how to run the Large Hadron Collider and one on Men’s Pies. He won’t get rid of them.’
‘So, what are you going to get rid of in this quest for elegance?’
‘I don’t know. Perhaps I haven’t thought it through properly. I’ll make a plan when I get home. Now then, are you sure you don’t want breakfast? I’m sure Alfred would bring you something. We’ve hardly taken advantage of him at all.’
‘No, I’ll just have some coffee and do some more practise. And I have a couple more pictures I want to use. God, I feel sick at the thought of this. It was much easier when I did the work and Casper took all the applause.’
‘Well, we’re not doing that again. It’s your turn to shine. Don’t worry, I’ll stand outside the door and force people in. I have a marvellous idea; I’ll say there is a rumour that there is a free something to one lucky person. A Range Rover or a trip to the Seychelles. And then at the end I’ll say no one had the lucky seat number so we are holding the prize over to the next talk.’