Page 63 of Old Girls on Deck

‘Well, I suppose Casper wasn’t on holiday, was he?’

‘No, which meant I was on my own for a lot of the time. I made the occasional friend which was always nice. I read books from the ship’s library, and I watched programmes on television, and mostly explored on my own, although of course I did join excursions. Which is where all my silly bits of knowledge came from. And then the other day I was doing some preparation for the talk, while you went to salsa dancing. And I was sorting out the pictures for the tech guy, and you went to breakfast. And I can see myself doing the same thing tomorrow. Rummaging around in my laptop to find the details of the history talk that I sorted out for Casper and all the pictures that went along with it. And then I’d be panicking about it and concentrating on it and not enjoying myself at all. And the whole point of this holiday was for us to spend time together enjoying ourselves, wasn’t it? A proper girls’ holiday, that’s what we said. Instead, I have been sucked into doing this and leaving you on your own like I used to be. And that’s not what either of us wanted. I don’t want to feel alone again, I want to feel we are sharing something, enjoying something together.’

‘I don’t mind, honestly I don’t,’ I said.

‘But I do, do you see? I’ve been behaving like I always used to when I was with Casper. I look at pictures of myself sitting on lovely beaches, and Casper was never there with me. Even on that video I sent to Sam for his birthday, Dad sent his love. Because of course, Dad wasn’t there. And ever since Casper died, I realise I have been in limbo, not sure how to fill my days. I never seem to do anything new or different. I can see I’ve been living my life exactly as I used to when Casper was alive. I spent a long time, trying to think of reasons why I couldn’t come on this holiday, I never told you that did I? Surely that’s not right?’

I sighed. ‘No, it’s not, and that’s exactly why Eddy suggested that I should ask you.’

Diana was shocked and her face showed it. ‘Eddy did?’

I nodded. ‘He did. It was his idea. We’re sisters, we’ve been in each other’s lives for ever, and of course we didn’t see much of Casper because he was away such a lot. But even when he was home on leave, he didn’t feature much in our social lives, and you used to retreat with him. And then he died, and you seemed to hibernate, hardly ever going out, never doing anything different, not having much fun.’

‘No, I didn’t. In fact, I look back and wonder what on earth I did do. Apart from get through each day on automatic pilot.’

‘Eddy saw this as a great chance to get you out into the world again. To enjoy yourself like you used to and perhaps get some ideas about what you are going to do next.’

‘Oh, that’s so sweet of him, what a lovely thing to do. He is thoughtful. What to do next. That’s difficult. But I know what I don’t want to do, and that’s spend my time filling in for Terry someone or other and his shingles, making myself available to give talks. Because although I enjoyed this one, I don’t want to have more time taken away from our holiday together. And I want to have some time to think. And for the first time in ages, to plan.’

I went to sit in the chair next to her and patted her hand.

‘You have nothing to prove to anyone. Whatever makes you happy.’

‘I know what I have to do.’

We finished our meal and went back to our cabin, and it seemed every few steps someone wanted to stop Diana and have a chat with her about her talk. Quite a few asked if she had written a book. I began to feel a bit like her bodyguard, especially when we glimpsed the expert oceanographer coming towards us with a purposeful tread.

We hurried off towards the lifts and made good our escape.

A few minutes later there was a knock on our cabin door.

‘Do you think that’s him? The expert wanting to talk about Atlantis and fabled monsters?’ Diana hissed.

‘I’ll see him off,’ I said confidently.

When I opened the door, there was a steward with a trolley and an ice bucket containing a bottle of champagne.

‘With the compliments of the captain,’ he said, doing a lot of fussing about with a white napkin.

A moment later Alfred came in looking very flustered.

‘I think I can take over from here, Mario,’ he said in an undertone that betrayed how outraged he was that his authority had been usurped.

There was a bit of a silent tussle and then Alfred faced his opponent down and Mario slunk away looking dejected.

‘May I open the bottle for you, mesdames?’ he said, turning smoothly, not betraying for a moment that anything out of the ordinary had occurred.

‘I don’t think…’

‘I’m not sure…’

We exchanged a glance; we were supposed to be laying off the alcohol for a change, but after all it was Bollinger, and it would be rude not to accept it, wouldn’t it?

16

The following day, we managed to arrive at the Amité buffet at just the wrong time, and the queues outside were stretching along the corridor so instead, we went to the Bizet restaurant for lunch.

‘I don’t care if it will be slower here,’ I said, ‘it will give us a chance to relax and just chat.’