Page 19 of I Love My Mistake
I can’t believe it. You never win in war against Amber. But there she is, looking awkward! And could she give any more attention to that spot on the floor she’s staring at? I won!
Amber opens her mouth but no words come out for almost two seconds. Jess and I are totally leaning forward in suspense until she finally says in a quiet voice, “But maybe what you need is sex with someone you…love?”
“Did you tell Josh you love him!?” Jess yells.
Oh my God. She won. She fucking won. How does she DO that?! As we hear a summary of the juicy details about her and Josh telling each other they love each other for the very first time – as if we all didn’t see that coming – I think to myself that if she can be brave enough to fuck him in Marlena’s closet, then I can sure as hell quit these cigarettes. For good. I toss them over the wall, which appalls her and makes it extra fun. But I’m so happy I came tonight. I don’t want to miss these big moments of us dancing out on a balcony somewhere, celebrating each other’s happiness.
When we’re about to go inside, I pull out my lipstick to reapply it, and kick myself for not buying gum for this taste in my mouth. I look at Amber and can’t hold this question back, though I should. I see her and him and I wonder, how does she do it? He’s so good… doesn’t it get boring?
“Is Josh man enough for you, honey?”
Amber crinkles up her nose. “Of course he is. What do you mean?”
“Well…” Why did I say that aloud? Shit. I put the lid back on the lipstick and slide it in my bag, biding time to figure out how to get myself around this. Truth is, it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me. So I pull an answer out of nowhere. “You’re tiny, but you’re all ambition and go-get-it-ness. Your man is going to have to be accomplished to get your respect.” For the record, I have no idea if Josh is accomplished or not.
She turns to look at Josh through the glass door, where he’s standing next to David. He looks over at her, and smiles, like he knows we’re talking about him. He’s a good guy. I can see it. As she comes back with a valid defense of him, I want to apologize, tell her I’m voicing my own fears, not ones I have for her. But I don’t want them to ask me about my fears. Not tonight. So I just say, “He really does love you. You can see it when he looks at you. I do like him.” It’s the truth.
“Yeah?” she asks, and her eyes are so open and hopeful that I feel like a jaded bitch for putting doubt in them.
“Yes. I’m not just saying it. I want what you guys have. I was just playing devil’s advocate, because I know you.” God, where do I come up with this stuff?
We talk a little more and then Jess and I – as if we are of one mind – both take her hands and stand at her side. We all remain quiet, standing together for a little while. Visions of Michael standing in there beside Josh and David play in my mind. My heart hurts just thinking it, I want it so bad. But I know that Michael would find those two guys boring beyond words; conversations about beer and movies are not his bag. Oh…what would he think of my girls? Amber saves me from that thought-train with, “Let’s go inside.”
We all walk in, and I announce I’m going to quit smoking, which they shoot down as being a false claim. They’re probably right. But I don’t want to be Miss Fifth Wheel anymore tonight, and if I can’t smoke to make myself feel better, I’m going home. I’m tired.
“I’m going to see if Marlena will give me a tour. Of the closet,” I say to Amber, to tease her for her sexcapade.
“Ask her why she doesn’t own any color,” Amber calls back, with a wink.
I laugh, and leave the four of them. I never make it to Marlena, though. My bed is calling me. I could call up Zach. I haven’t seen him in forever… nor thought of him, either. . Or Jason? Maybe patch things up? No… not tonight.