Page 60 of I Love My Mistake

Chapter Twenty-Seven

There are moments in our lives when, as we look back on them, we wish we could climb into a time machine, go back and do things differently. Moments we replay over and over, thinking... why did I do that? Why didn’t I do this, instead? Did I make a mistake? Because it feels like I did. Or was this the right choice and I should just shove down these feelings of loss until they go away? What can I do, now that it’s done? Could I do anything to change it, if I tried? Do I have the courage to jump into the unknown – to try to fix it - without any guarantee that it will all turn out okay? Will there be a price worth paying? Will I lose someone I love? Will I forgive myself for that? Will I forgive them?

And knowing myself as well as I do, living in this head of mine for as long as I have… I know that whichever road I take, I will wonder. It’s the wondering that kills me. If someone – and by someone, I mean God – could grab me by the shoulders, point me in a direction and say, this is the way to happiness… I would be so grateful. Why can’t it be like that? Why must I hit my head on the proverbial wall - until it breaks down… or until I do?

This path that I’m on now… little do I know it – but there are moments in it – precious moments – that I will replay soon. Over… and over… and over.