Page 69 of I Love My Mistake
He’s thoughtful, like he’s figuring these things out as he says them aloud. “It’s like I understand you. And when you were telling me these details about your life, it’s like you were connecting the dots to a puzzle I’ve already finished.”
My eyes fall closed and I turn my chin up, asking for a kiss. He bends down gladly and kisses me like it’s our first kiss, searching and new. I can handle this. He’ll live far away and we’ll see each other when we can. It will give me enough time and space to ease into being with a good man, to open up to that. To let my guard down… over time. To trust him… over time. To…
Mark interrupts my thoughts. “I live far away. But people can move.”
My lashes fly open.
He shakes his head in amazement. “When I was looking around the city today, I was wondering if I could live here. What if this was my home?”
I squeak, “Oh!”
I step away. “Mark, I’m not… I just… Look.” I hold my hand up and look around the room for something to focus on, to stop the spinning in my head. I know I made the decision not to lose him… but first I can’t lose myself. Not again. Not this soon. I’m still healing from Michael! I can’t breathe.
“I’m sorry.” He steps back, his eyes clouding. His chin sets.
I look away from him. “It’s my fault. I quizzed you about your other trip. About that fucking girl. So you felt you had to explain. Hell, I asked you to! Then feelings got amplified. Things got said. And now – well, as you can probably tell, I’m freaking out right now. I just met you!”
He stammers over me, “No. You’re right. I shouldn’t have said…”
“…I’m so not good at relationships!”
“I was just caught up in the moment…”
“…And, trust me, I’m a slower mover than this.”
“So am I!” He looks at me intently. He runs his hands through his hair and down the back of his neck as he walks toward the kitchen to distance himself. “Usually.” He shoots a troubled look my way and stands in the doorway.
I wish I knew what to say. I hate that he’s standing over there, looking at me like that. Struggling and feeling very insecure, I mumble, “The best I can do is be honest with you. That’s the best I can do.” I move my hand back and forth like he did, motioning in the air from my heart to his. “This? I haven’t done this in a long time.” He nods, but I feel like I’m losing him. This is torture.
I take a step closer to him, but stop as he looks at me. He’s discouraged. “Shit. Look at that face you’re giving me.”
He shakes his head, looks up at the ceiling and back at me, unable to lose the expression.
I take another step. “Okay. Me. Looking at you? See?”
He stares at me. Nods slowly.
“I am feeling exactly what you’re feeling. And it’s been years since that feeling didn’t land me in heartbreak. I want to leap into this with you. I really do. Today, in the park, I made the decision – God help me for saying this out loud – I made a decision that I wasn’t going to make the same mistake as that girl. You know the one.”
Hope glimmers in his eyes. “Keep going.”
A small relieved laugh drifts out of me. “Okay. I want to keep seeing you. I want to try long distance. I just need to move slowly. If I don’t – I will run. I know that because I know me. Can you do that?”
“Slowly,” he repeats, soaking it in.
“Slowly.”
I wiggle my fingers, anxious for what to do or say next. He walks over to my paintings. Is he debating on whether or not to just be business partners? The idea of doing that deflates me, but I say nothing. Finally he turns his head, takes me in. As I watch, his mood transforms. He pulls it together, walks and leans against a wall.
“I’m sorry.”
I smile, gratified by the warmth that’s returned to his eyes. “For what?”
“We were having such a good time and I got all forever on it.”
Hearing that word makes me sweat. I give a little shrug of one shoulder. “It’s fine. Is it hot in here? This sweater feels hot all of a sudden.”
A mischievous smirk pulls at the corners of his lips. “Then why don’t you take it off?”