Page 66 of Not You Again
Crickets chirp in the cool night air as I carry my laundry basket down to the apartment complex laundry room. It’s late; the cameras left about an hour ago. Andie is drawing in our bedroom upstairs, and we ate dinner together. It’s all incredibly domestic and makes the life I told her we could build feel even closer.
“Kit!” Patrick calls to me from a table near the pool. Jamie is with him, his feet propped up on another chair.
I wave and give them a smile. Patrick jerks his head in the way men do that means come here.
My shoes scrape against the pool deck as I pivot to join them. I set my laundry basket down on the table next to them and take the last empty chair at their table. Patrick reaches into a small cooler on the ground between them and pulls out a can of cheap beer. He slides it toward me.
I crack the top and get comfortable in my seat. “What are you two up to?”
“Bitching and moaning, mostly.” Patrick shrugs. “The spouses are in a mood, so we thought it might be best to give them some space. You?”
“Just laundry.” I take a sip of the beer. It hardly tastes like beer, but it’s cold and carbonated, and I can’t remember the last time I got invited to hang out with friends.
“Where’s Andie?” Jamie asks.
“She’s upstairs. Working.”
Patrick lets out a low whistle. “She works a lot.”
“She does.” I give him a nod. “But so do I. Par for the course.”
“All Leslie cares about is work.” Jamie rolls his eyes. “No, that’s a lie. All he cares about is looking like he has everything together.” He pushes his apartment key around on the table. “I don’t fit the image.”
“That’s not true.” Patrick reaches over to squeeze Jamie’s shoulder. “You’re a fantastic human.”
“Thanks.” Jamie forces a smile. “I just wish Leslie thought I was too.”
I lean forward to rest my elbows on the table. “I didn’t know you and Leslie were still struggling.”
Jamie shakes his head. “It’s fine. We have a therapy session soon that may help.”
“It’s not fine.” I clear my throat to dislodge the emotion that’s made itself at home there. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. You both deserve better.”
“I appreciate you saying that, man.” Patrick raises his beer can in a salute. “We’ve missed having you around.”
“But you’re here now,” Jamie says. “So tell us how things are going with you and Andie.”
I let out a heavy sigh.
“That good, huh?” Patrick laughs.
“I think we’re finally getting somewhere.” I shrug. “But I’m not sure she knows I’m all in, you know?”
“Have you told her that?” Jamie asks.
I frown, thinking back to our conversation in the art studio. We both revealed things about our past that we hadn’t shared the first time around. I told her I could see what our future looked like and that I wanted her there with me. But I never told her how I felt right now, in this moment. “Not in so many words.”
“Maybe you should try some new words.” Patrick turns his baseball cap backwards on his head. The bro level at the table intensifies.
“I’m afraid if I tell her how I feel, I’ll push her away,” I admit, turning my beer can on the table. “She’s reluctant to trust me. With good reason, I guess.”
“What’s the good reason?”
I sigh, examining the steam curling up from the hot tub into the night air. “When we dated the first time, she told me she loved me, and I couldn’t say it back.”
Jamie’s eyes bulge and he spits out the sip of beer he just took. “What?”
I nod, confirming it. “We were twenty-one and had no idea what we were doing.”