Page 97 of Not You Again

Something inside me breaks. Not shattering and splintering like glass, but a slow fissure under duress finally gives way.

I close my eyes and turn away from her. When I open them, the hosts are smiling. Like they know something I don’t.

But the answer is in Andie’s hesitation. She still doesn’t think I can be who she needs. I can love her ferociously from Italy and it won’t be enough. She knows I won’t give up my job, and I know she won’t ask me to choose between her and taking care of my mom.

If she says yes, we’ll hate each other soon. I can’t bear the thought.

If she says no, I won’t survive it.

My vision goes gray around the edges. I don’t turn to Andie. If I look at the hope in her eyes, I’ll fall apart. I won’t be strong enough to do it. So I level my gaze on Dr. Shaw. “I think we should divorce.”

The tiny gasp that escapes Andie feels like a sledgehammer straight to my ribs. I can’t breathe. My hands are shaking, so I rest them on my knees.

It’s the only answer. In time, she’ll understand it was our only way out. I won’t doom her to a life with me when I know I’m not enough for her. I won’t give up the life I’ve built between who I am and who I used to be. This will break my mom’s heart, but at least I can say I tried.

“I think it’s safe to say that decision comes as a surprise to everyone.” Petra tries to smooth over the brutal truth that just escaped my lips. “Can you tell us how you came to that conclusion?”

Andie sniffs.

Fuck.

I bow my head and close my eyes, forcing my lungs to take in air. It hurts. It physically hurts to do this. But I have to.

I walked into this thinking I could make everything right with Andie. That we could finally choose to be together. We were meant for each other.

Then we broke through all the bullshit keeping us apart only to find we would never cede the lives we built without each other. It’s not the first time this morning I wish I hadn’t been so stupid when we were younger.

Andie’s become more beautiful, stronger, more incredible than I could have ever imagined. The Andie in my dreams doesn’t hold a candle to the one sitting next to me. She asked me to keep showing up. I tried, and it wasn’t enough.

I lift my head and meet Petra’s eyes. “I wasn’t the man she needed ten years ago, and I’m still not. I’m sorry.”

Andie gasps again. Then, before they can ask her how she feels or what she’s thinking, she stands. Her voice is thick with tears as she tells no one in particular, “I’m sorry, I—are we done? I can’t—breathe and I don’t want—I can’t be here. I’m sorry.”

She slips away, but not before I hear her muffle a sob as she opens the door behind us.

I don’t want to talk to the hosts. Every fiber of my being wants to chase after her. But I give Andie time to escape. Time to run. Let her be the one who leaves me behind this time. Even though I was the one to end it. Again. Without explaining myself fully. Just leaving her to suffer through it. Alone.

Fuck me.

It’s better this way.

I stand slowly, calmly. In a smooth voice, I tell our hosts, “Again, I’m sorry.”

Before they can ask me to elaborate now that she’s not here, I look to the producers in the wings. “Can you please remove my mic?” I’ve fulfilled my obligation to the show contract, and I’m done. I can’t stand here trying to maintain the outward chill of a cold-hearted bastard while I’m falling apart inside.

I want to drown my sorrows in expensive liquor in the privacy of my own apartment and not worry about how bad I’ll hurt tomorrow. It doesn’t matter. I deserve it. Hell, I’d have punched any bastard who treated Andie like I just did. Giving myself a hangover I may never recover from sounds like a good alternative punishment since I can’t clock myself in the jaw.

But this sharp, temporary pain will be easier in the long run. It will be easier than slowly watching the light go out of Andie’s eyes as she realizes she has me in name, but not in truth. Better to hurt now than to give either of us the false hope that we can change who we are to make this work.

FIRST LOOK AT FOREVER

SEASON THREE

EPISODE SIXTEEN

PRODUCER:

I think it’s safe to say Kit surprised everyone today.