Page 55 of Fear of Flying
Drew shifted more toward his brother, trying to hitch his leg up onto the bench too, while also managing the baby and the bottle. It wasn’t working so well, and Brian reached over wordlessly to help Drew get resituated, taking the now-empty bottle from him and showing him how to hold Maddie upright against his chest in case she needed to burp.
Brian sat back again when Drew was settled, and Drew took a moment to marvel at the size of Maddie’s tiny body. The warmth she gave off was comforting in a way he couldn’t really process, though he wondered for a second whether she might be cold.
“I’m sorry, little brother,” Brian blurted out.
Drew looked up in surprise and confusion, but Brian barreled on before Drew could ask what he was sorry for.
“I’m so sorry. This was our first time back home since moving to Portland, and dinner with Mom and Dad... God, Drew, I’m so sorry. Portland’s a far cry from Credence, Texas”—he laughed humorously, his eyes still wet—“but I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that. We’ve, uh, made a lot of friends up there, me and Sherri. College, grad school... shit, there’s a hell of a lot of world out there. I never knew anyone gay, ’cept you, and, ah, my friends back home say that’s pretty unlikely—it’s more like you were the only one I knew was gay. I didn’t realize...”
Drew sat silent when Brian trailed off, his pulse starting to race. He wasn’t sure what to say, and it seemed like Brian was working up to a bigger point anyway. They’d never... He’d never talked about this with Brian. As his mind ran through all the possible things his brother might say next, Drew noticed Maddie’s little body seemed to be growing heavier, like maybe she’d fallen asleep. At least this particular heaviness on his chest was pleasant.
“Fuck, Drew, I didn’t realize how toxic Mom and Dad were—are. Mom especially. And I never said anything.” Brian’s voice was rough with anger. He was focused on rubbing at the calluses on his hands, but then he met Drew’s gaze again. “Even tonight, I didn’t say anything. But god, I think I just didn’t realize it until everything was right in front of me like that. I should’ve protected you—I should protect you. Even from Mom. Especially from Mom.”
Drew jolted to sit up straighter, ready to protest, but he halted when he heard fussing noises coming from Maddie. He sank back a little and rubbed his hand up and down along her back—trying to soothe her, or maybe himself—as he let Brian’s words play through his head again.
“Toxic, Bri? Isn’t that... a bit harsh? She was just—she only wanted to protect me, keep me safe from ridicule and worse. You know as well as I do how bad things can be, all the hate crimes we heard about, that we still hear about.”
“Drew,” he said, waiting until Drew looked him in the eye again before he continued, “I mean toxic. You don’t react to your kid coming out of the closet by shoving him back in.”
“I’m not—” Drew cut himself off. He wanted to protest. He wanted to argue that he didn’t have to be closeted, especially not at home. But that wasn’t the truth, not really.
Four. Four people—fuck... Drew’s breath hitched, and he could feel that complicated knot of sadness growing bigger, and the twisting of his heart was more painful than ever.
Six. Six people in the world knew he was gay.
And of those, there were only two he could talk with about it—Brian and Sherri—and he’d only just learned that fact three minutes ago. Dad had always been busy with work and not really the kind of dad you talked to about stuff, not unless it was how to fix the irrigation pivot or the tractor mower. Mom—Mom had routinely shut down anything and everything even remotely about queerness. Drew knew, though, that she was just worried, terrified of losing her son as so many other mothers across the country—all over the world—lost their sons because of whom they were attracted to.
Damn near every fiber of his being fought against him saying the words, but it was like a reflex—his mom’s sentiments coming out of his mouth. “What was she supposed to have done?”
“Be proud of you. Love you. Love you.”
Drew’s chest tightened, and he tried to swallow back the emotions, but he could feel the tears burning behind his eyes and then spilling out slowly. For a few seconds, he had to focus on his breathing and the fact that his niece was still there and sleeping against his chest. He wasn’t sure what to say, but he could feel his grasp on Maddie tighten just a little, like he needed something to ground him.
Brian put a hand on Drew’s knee. He’d scooted closer, and he seemed to be waiting for Drew to look at him again. His brother’s eyes were serious—like there was a mix of deep regret and then something more that felt a whole lot like love. “Drew, Mom wasn’t the ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’ type you see too often around here, but she sure as hell didn’t tell you any different. She didn’t tell you that you were perfect and loved just how you were—how you are.”
“Bri—” his voice cracked when he tried to speak, and it was just as well that his brother wasn’t done talking.
“And seeing your face tonight when Mom talked about grandbabies—god, Drew—there’s no reason you can’t give her grandbabies too. You—you can have however many you want, with or without a partner. Whatever makes you happy. I want you to be happy, little brother.”
Drew wasn’t sure he was breathing, but he closed his eyes and focused on the way Maddie’s little body felt, warm and with a weight that seemed to carry something else with it. Trust, maybe? Love? Whatever it was that babies felt. All he knew was that this feeling was so warm and so comforting and was easier to concentrate on than everything his brother had just thrown at him.
He kept his eyes closed for a moment longer, letting the comforting feeling of Maddie’s closeness wash over him and help calm him. He wanted this. He wanted to know how this felt with his own child. He wanted everything he thought he’d never be able to have, told himself time and time again that he couldn’t have—he wanted to fall in love, get married, and have kids.
And Drew was struggling with letting the truth of it settle in his chest. It was too much all at once.
It’s not like he hadn’t known, deep down. He wasn’t naïve. He’d met plenty of gay people living their lives without so much fear. He’d read the news, kept up with current events—especially the legislation. The evidence was all there for him to see or hear or read—that he could have a happy, fulfilling life, out and proud.
But the other evidence had always been there too. Hate crimes on the rise, bills being introduced left and right that treated LGBTQIA+ folks like second-class citizens, sometimes less than human. There was so much hate and fear and—
Brian squeezed Drew’s knee, almost as if he could tell Drew had been spiraling—hell, he probably could tell. “I’ll talk to Mom. I’ll help her see—you don’t have to do the work there.” His brother hung his head for a second and took a deep breath before looking up again. “I want you to... just be happy, Drew. Be out and proud or out and quiet or whatever you want, but... I know you. I know you’ve always had your head in the clouds, dreaming of some epic romance like Superman and Lois Lane’s.”
Drew was crying, but he chuckled through the tears. “Clark Kent and Lois Lane.”
“Drew, get off it—they’re the same man.” Brian pretended to be irritated, like they hadn’t had this argument a thousand times—that Clark Kent was the real person and Superman was just a disguise, a way to help the world so he could have a normal life.
Drew bit his lip, barely hiding his smile as hope started bubbling up in his chest. He ducked his head down, resting his cheek against Maddie’s head and her impossibly soft hair. There was a soft, pleasant smell—hell if he could name whatever baby product it surely was—but it only added to that feeling of calm and comfort. Were all babies this magical to hold?
After a moment, he looked at his brother again.