Page 67 of Fear of Flying

Zach

Two Months Later

Zach was lying in bed, tapping away at the mindless game on his phone to help keep his anxiety and the intrusive thoughts at bay. Though he could still very much feel the tightness in his chest and the chaos in his mind. Milo was helping too, his big, heavy, warm body pressed up against Zach’s side and his large head resting on Zach’s stomach.

If Milo was snuggling, it meant Drew was gone. But it was fine. Drew had sent him a text telling him exactly that—he’d gone out for his run and he loved him and everything would be fine. It was well past 9 a.m., though, and Zach wasn’t sure when Drew would be back. Maybe he’d made an extra lap around the park, since he’d probably assumed Zach was still sleeping or something.

But it was going to be fine. Today would be fine. Drew was probably almost back, or at least he would be very soon because he knew Zach was more than anxious about Drew’s first monthly brunch with his parents.

God, his mind was off and running anyway, despite his attempt to distract himself by playing this useless game. He put his phone down with a huff. It would be fine. It was going to be fine. Drew had said it would be fine. And he’d reassured Zach all week that there was nothing Zach’s mother could say that would make Drew love him any less or even think about leaving him.

It would be fine.

But oh, the anxiety had its talons in this one, and it wasn’t letting go so easily. Skipping last month’s brunch had probably only made things worse, but Drew had been busy with a volunteer thing down at the UNM LGBTQ Resource Center and Zach had been covering for an employee at the rescue. So, it wasn’t like they had purposely avoided brunch, and his mom had been all sorts of understanding.

Almost too understanding. That nice kind of understanding that came with a jumbo side order of guilt even though it was still filled with love.

Oh, Zach, it’s really okay! I know you two lovebirds need time to yourselves, and Drew’s trying to make connections in the community with his new job down at Legal Aid. I’m so proud! It’s so lovely and makes me so happy that you’ve found someone! I just wish I could spend some time getting to know him, is all. But that’s what next month’s brunch will be for! Oh, we should do something extra special for the occasion...

Ugh, maybe he was ridiculous for being so worried about things. He wanted to find it ridiculous. Maybe then his mind would just stop having these thoughts. But—

Zach flinched when a cold nose nudged his arm. “Ahh! Milo, you startled me.”

Milo was looking at him, tilting his head a bit. He gave Zach a whimpering chuff, and then he started a lumbering crawl to settle himself right on top of Zach, his body stretched out longways covering Zach’s chest and stomach and thighs.

“OOF! Milo! God, you weigh a ton, dog,” Zach said, closing his eyes to focus on his breathing, which was substantially more difficult with eighty-five pounds of dog on top of him. But, like usual, it was actually pretty fucking calming and effective—the pressure on his chest from Milo’s weight distracted his body from the angry, pricking pressure of anxiety.

“Was I really that bad, boy?” Zach opened his eyes to look at Milo, who chuffed again and then pressed his wet nose into Zach’s chin. “Okay, okay, I guess I was.” Zach chuckled lightly and took Milo’s face in both hands, stroking his head and neck and scratching behind his ears.

“You have to be on your best behavior for your first family brunch tomorrow, sir. If you’re not, Mom will disinvite you, and you’ll be stuck at home most of Sunday without us,” he teased, starting to feel just a bit more lighthearted. Then he lowered his voice to a whisper. “Of course, I wouldn’t mind if you distract Mom enough that she doesn’t scare Drew away.”

“Hey, honey,” came a soft voice from the other side of the room.

Zach’s heart fluttered with relief and the comforting reassurance Drew’s presence always brought him. He craned his neck a bit to look around Milo and saw Drew leaning against the doorframe, wearing only a pair of gray sweatpants. His hair looked like he’d just showered, and he was holding Zach’s rainbow travel mug.

Milo turned to look too, and Zach grunted as the dog’s weight shifted uncomfortably on top of him.

Drew made a little clicking sound with his tongue and tilted his head just slightly, eyeing Milo’s corner of the bed. “C’mon, Milo.”

Milo gave Drew a doleful look and then clambered off Zach and headed for the bottom corner of the bed. Drew met him there and gave him some pets. “Who’s my good boy? You are! Such a good boy taking care of Zach while I’m gone.”

Drew’s affection for Milo came across so clearly in every word, and his gentleness... God, it made Zach’s heart swell. With Milo’s weight gone from his chest, though, Zach felt a bit chilly, a bit exposed, and he pulled the comforter up higher.

Drew set the travel mug on his nightstand and climbed into bed and under the covers, scooting over so that he was next to Zach. They both shifted until they were in their favorite position—Zach snuggled up against Drew with his head on Drew’s chest, his arm draped over Drew’s stomach, and Drew’s arm wrapped securely around him.

God, this had to be one of his favorite places ever. The feeling of comfort and belonging did so much to soothe his soul. They lay there quietly while Zach listened to the sound of Drew’s heart beating, letting his chaotic mind focus on its strength and reliable rhythm.

After a few minutes of quiet—well, save for Milo’s soft snoring—Drew brushed a kiss on Zach’s forehead. “Couldn’t sleep last night, honey?” There was so much love and concern in his voice, his tone low and soft like it always was when he knew Zach’s anxiety was bad.

Zach shook his head against Drew’s shoulder and let out a sort of self-deprecating sigh. The buzzing and tension of anxiety were mostly gone for the moment, but now Zach was left feeling foolish. Or maybe powerless and vulnerable. That would be more accurate.

“Sorry, I know you say I should wake you, I just always feel so guilty. My brain keeps saying at least one of us should get some uninterrupted sleep.”

“Oh, honey . . .”

“I know. I know. I try, I do,” Zach said, tightening his arm around Drew’s midsection briefly.

He could feel Drew’s nod, and then Drew kissed his forehead again. Zach closed his eyes. “This was the worst it’s been in... a while.”