Page 34 of Vicious Temptation
It would be one thing if a part of me didn’t wish it had happened. It would be easy to push it away then, to take steps to make sure that we don’t get that close to each other again, and leave it at that. I could make sure to avoid it.
But a part of me, the part of me that tried to touch myself last night when I haven’t even wanted to try in months, wishes that he had kissed me. That he’d just leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, and given me a chance to find out if maybe I’m not as completely broken as I think I am. If maybe what I need is someone gentle enough to let me figure it out slowly.
Gabriel isn’t going to be that person, I tell myself firmly, as I get into the shower, putting my head directly under the hot spray in an effort to wake up. The truth is that even if I wanted to try, I don’t get that option. An arranged marriage is the only thing that awaits me on the other side of this job, and letting myself hope for something else is the height of foolishness.
I already have more than I hoped for. I shouldn’t let myself start thinking about things that are utterly impossible.
What I need is someone to help me get my mind off of all of this. I haven’t seen Clara in weeks, not since she helped me pack up to move to Gabriel’s, and I miss her. We’ve texted back and forth, of course, but even those conversations haven’t been as lengthy as we’re used to. I’ve been worn out from work, and focused on settling into my new routine.
I dry off, pulling on a pair of jeans and a lightweight hoodie, and shove my feet into a pair of sneakers as I reach for my phone. On impulse, I text her what’s on my mind right off the bat, without giving myself time to talk myself out of it.
Bella: Hey. Are you off today?
Clara: No, but I have a PTO day I could take. What’s up? I could use a day to play hooky, honestly.
Bella: Do you want to come over to Gabriel’s and hang out? I miss you. Starting to feel a little isolated out here on my own.
Clara: Are you sure it’s ok for me to just come over?
Bella: I don’t see why not.
Clara: Okay. Text me directions and I’ll be over about noon.
The thought of seeing Clara, and spending an afternoon together immediately lifts my spirits. I throw my hair up in a bun, reaching for a hair tie sitting on my nightstand, and I notice that I left my pill bottle out last night when I went to sleep. Normally, I put it right back in the drawer, not wanting anyone to see it, but I was so preoccupied last night that I must have forgotten.
I go to put it back, but when I pick it up, nothing rattles inside. I hold it up to the light, and realize there’s nothing left.
Shit. My first thought is that some might have fallen out, and I quickly run my hand over the mattress and look on the floor, to see if some tipped out last night. But there’s nothing, and when I look at the date of the last refill, I see that it’s been just a little over a month.
I’d been so preoccupied with my new job, and everything going on here, that I’d forgotten to call in a refill.
I take a deep breath, shoving my phone into my pocket. It’ll be fine, I tell myself. I’ll call the pharmacy after breakfast, and either ask Gabriel to let me use the driver that I hope he has to go get them myself after he gets home, or I’ll ask Clara to swing by and grab them on her way here. It’s a small oversight, but I’ll have them by tonight, and it won’t be any big deal.
Quickly, I go to gather up Cecelia and Danny, making sure they’re dressed and presentable and herding them downstairs for breakfast. Agnes already has a platter of scrambled eggs, sausage, and sliced toast with a side of fruit salad waiting for us, and I get the kids’ plates ready before I glance over at her.
“Do you mind watching them for just a second?” I ask, feeling a little guilty for it, but needing to get this settled. “I just need to make a phone call really quick.”
“Sure.” Agnes sits down at the table, clearly perfectly at ease with my request. “Just hurry back before yours gets cold.”
I flash her a smile, and hurry out into the living room, dialing the number for my pharmacy. A bored-sounding woman picks up on the second ring, rotely repeating the standard greeting.
“Hi—I need to get a refill? It’s under D’Amelio. Bella D’Amelio. I have a trazodone prescription.”
“Hang on.” There’s the sound of the woman tapping away at a keyboard, and I chew on my lower lip, hoping that nothing will go wrong with it, and berating myself for losing track of the days. But it’s never been a huge problem before. If I had to go a few days without it, no one in my house cared if I woke up with nightmares. It was for my own sanity, not anyone else’s. And while having them is awful, sometimes I felt like I needed to take a little break from the pills anyway. I usually didn’t take them at home if I felt like I could manage on my own. But here, I’ve done it every night, just in case.
A few moments later, the woman comes back on the line. “I’m sorry. You’re out of refills. You’ll need to make an appointment with your doctor to see you, and then we can refill the prescription.”
Shit. I let out a sharp breath, feeling a prickle of panic along my skin. There’s no way I’m going to get in to see my doctor today. “You can’t just give me an emergency refill while I make an appointment?”
Now, the woman sounds exasperated as well as bored. “No. You need to call your doctor’s office. I don’t have any control over this.”
“I didn’t realize?—”
“The number of refills you have remaining are listed on the label. I’m sorry, but you just have to call your doctor.”
“Okay. Thanks?” I hang up, glancing back towards the kitchen. I hadn’t expected to need to make more than one phone call, but now this is turning into a much bigger thing. I try to tamp down the growing anxiety, sinking down onto the couch as I look for the number for my psychiatrist’s office in my contacts.
The nurse who answers sounds friendly, at least. “Hi,” I venture. “This is Bella D’Amelio—I’ve run out of refills on my trazodone prescription. The pharmacy said I need to make an appointment for a refill, but is there any chance I can get at least a partial refill until then? I really need them to sleep.”