Page 42 of Twisted Heathens
He turns his eyes on me, wide and upset. The emotion quickly fading into anger that is never far beneath the surface. He’s always mad at me for one thing or another. “Why not? Did you do it again?”
Shaking my head, I’m ignored as he pins me down with his substantial weight and yanks my sleeves up. He gasps and swears at the mess he finds, making me cringe back into the pillows to escape his inevitable wrath.
“Brooke! The hell are you doing to yourself? Fucking freak.”
His fingers bite into my skin, aggravating the throbbing cuts like he wants to punish me. I try to pull my arm away but his grip tightens. He’s furious and the disappointment stings. Bile gathers in my throat, I want to run and hide. These aren’t his to look at, it’s private. Personal.
“You promised.”
“Screw promises, it’s stupid,” I mutter shamefully.
“How can we be together if all you do is lie? Does it mean nothing to you, the shit that spews from your mouth? You’re fucking breaking my heart here, Brooke.”
No. It doesn’t matter to me. I’m not even sure he has a heart to break, just a twisted, gaping hole where it should be. We’re both assholes but I’ll lie, cheat and manipulate without blinking an eye. That’s the truth of it. This good girl persona that he’s constructed for me, it’s not real. He’s deluding himself and punishing me for failing to meet that standard.
“Leave me alone.” I shrug him off, trying to escape.
“You don’t get to do that, Brooke!”
He drags me back, refusing to let go. I struggle and fight, but it’s no use. He’s stronger than me, bigger than me. Determined to save me, or the version of me he believes exists.
What if I told him where I was last night?
What if he knew that less than twelve hours ago, I was fucking another man? Bent over a table in the closed diner, my uniform hitched up around my waist, taking it rough and hard from the chef in exchange for a baggie of coke. Didn’t even use a condom, that’s how little I care about myself.
Anything just to feel something.
No matter how much it destroys my soul.
The urge to throw the ugly truth in his face is overwhelming. But deep down, I’m fucking selfish. I don’t want to be alone. Secretly, no matter how toxic this thing is between us, I want to be the person he thinks I am. She’s better than me, tenfold. No matter how long I stay in this hazardous waste… the chances of me ever becoming her?
Zero. Nil. I’m too far gone.
I shove him hard, breaking the hold. My head buzzing and ears ringing with panic. Screaming voices grow louder with every second, fuelled by my anger and always ready to taunt me some more. The accompanying shadows grow until they are chasing me from the bedroom, but I can’t escape the dark suggestions that follow.
Kill him. Break his neck.
Slit his throat. Push him down the stairs.
I don’t listen. I never listen. I’ve heard voices and seen the shadows for years, long predating my shitty relationship with Vic. I grew up with invisible friends that no one could see, until the friends became shadows that haunted my every waking moment.
The constant failure to live up to Vic’s impossible expectations?
They don’t like that. They want us to act, to punish him right back for idolising me. When really I’m just a worthless bitch, coasting through life from one disaster to the next. It’s his fault, making me feel bad for being my true, broken self.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
I storm out of the room, locking myself in the bathroom. Searching frantically for the spare razor, I smash it on the sink to release the tantalising blades. Vic throws them out, I buy more. It’s a never-ending battle of wills. Even when I promise to get better, and we share a brief glimpse of a normal, happy relationship… it’s all hot air. Fake words and easy lies to appease his own demons. Nothing can stop me.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
“NO,” I scream in response.
The shadows melt down the walls, bubbling and spitting with rage. They creep closer by the second, whispering their poisonous commands to me. No matter how loud I shout, they refuse to leave. Refuse to stop talking to me. Sometimes I talk back just to appease them.