Page 116 of Trusting You
I wonder if, had I not sustained such an insane injury, I would’ve received news of a daughter while still a top athlete. Would I have accepted it as easily? Wanted to father so quickly? I remember facing Carter at that gimmicky fish restaurant, determined to do right. But I’d had nothing. I’d been stripped and was willing to do a whole lot more to acquire some semblance of self again.
If I’d been as successful, so focused on the game and knee-deep—no pun intended—in pigskin and women the pro-baller life brings to all of us like gods, would I have wanted her? This baby girl that’s uplifted my mind and spirit in more ways than I ever thought I deserved?
I don’t want to think about it too hard. What the Lachlan Hayes of the past would’ve done.
Breathing out hard, I turn Lily home, with plans for a bottle of milk, some food, and a nap, much in line with my girl.
The trip to the high school was more taxing than anticipated but well worth it. I find myself excited to tell Carter about my impromptu interview for the part-time coaching slot, see that lively face light up even more, and it would be directed straight at me.
She’s the reason for this, I know. Carter’s the reason for a lot of things happening in my life right now. The closer we get to her departure, the more I want to ask her to stay, but she’s a vault. I have no idea what she’s thinking or what she wants out of this. It’s clear it’s going to destroy her to leave Lily, but what’ll it do to her to leave me? Will she even consider it?
I grip the stroller’s handles tighter. I don’t like this…uncertainty…I’m dealing with. It’s never been a factor in my choices. This weird tide swelling in my gut, the quickening of my breaths, it feels more like a heart attack than indecision.
I rub at my chest, feeling a weird pain in that spot where my heart is, but I dismiss it in passing. I haven’t walked this far in a while. By no means is it heartache. I can’t even come up with the definition of that word.
After another few minutes where I’m really beginning to feel it in my knee, I see the door to our apartment approaching. I quicken the pace, much to Lily’s glee, and this time, when I shoulder the front door open, I’m going to leave the stroller in the foyer. I’m too stiff, in too much growing, threatening pain, to attempt both the baby and this contraption up a flight of stairs.
I spin the stroller. Lily claps her hands together upon seeing me, and I swear, fatherhood should always feel this good.
“C’mere, darlin’,” I say, and lift her up, buckling a tiny amount when I can’t help but lift her over my head for a second and hear that delighted squeal. “Ready for some lunch?”
“Ayuh!”
“Say it again, sweetie,” I say, turning to the stairs. “Say that word that gets me all mushed up inside.”
“Adah.”
“Close.” I take the first couple of steps, taking my time.
“Dada!”
“Yeah!” I lift my hand, and instead of high-fiving, she finds my middle finger and shoves it into her mouth. I laugh, then laugh harder when I feel the sharp stub of a tooth.
“A tooth!” I say with a comical, wide-eyed expression she loves. “You have a toof coming in!”
I take another step up, weirdly out of breath. “Wait until Carter hears about this, huh? She’s gonna go nuts. Nuts, I say. I…”
Oh, shit.
My vision scrambles for a minute, and I grab the bannister. Lily’s clapping her hands near my chest, her body small and warm in my arms.
“Hang on, honey, I gotta…” I shake off the dizziness, and my knee screams when I lift it. But I have two more stairs left to go. I gotta make it, then put Lily down, and maybe call Carter because I feel…
I don’t feel…
I’m gonna…
I’m…