Page 125 of Trusting You

“I’m—” Oh, fuck, this is starting to hurt. “I’m mad at myself, Carter. Furious with what could’ve happened to Lily. And blame? I’ve got a whole boatload of that, directed at yours truly. I am not so prideful as to understand what I’ve done. And I don’t need you reminding me.”

She closes her mouth, but she hasn’t finished her scrutiny of me. I don’t snap at her to stop, because I can barely muster the energy.

“Even now,” she eventually says, so quiet I barely catch it, “you’re pretending to be stronger than you are.”

I stare at her a while. “I will do whatever I need to so you don’t leave this room hating me.”

She closes her eyes and shakes her head, tears trailing down her cheeks. “I’m far from hating you.”

I’m stuck for words. That’s the last thing I thought she’d say.

“You can break down with me,” she says. “You can trust me enough to show your cracks in the armor. I’m not going anywhere. Okay?” When I don’t say anything, she says, more urgently, “Okay, you asshole?”

I nod. She reaches for my hand and squeezes.

“You do not get to blame yourself for this. I’m sorry I came at you. There was just this…an overwhelming sense of…” she trails off.

“You don’t have to explain it.”

“You need to sleep, Locke. And do it well. And recover. And promise me, promise me, you will be there for Lily, always. That you will do what it takes to never leave her without a father.”

Carter doesn’t have to say the last part. Because she no longer has a mother.

“I promise,” I say.

Carter notices the rough edge in my tone, the trembling of my fingers in her hand, and she backs up. I don’t want her to go, but I’m aware of her destination. She’s going back to Lily, and I want to be there with them. I want the three of us together.

When Carter says some kind of good-bye and walks away, I watch her retreating back, and think, I want to do whatever it takes to be there for you, too.