Page 46 of One Last Time

Her lips are cold, wet, and soft, but she melts into me as she always does whenever our lips touch.

“I love you, Payton.” I swipe away her tears with my thumb, hating that she’s still crying.

She sobs, “I love you, Si.” Once again, she buries her head into my chest. I lean back into the cushions and hold her tight. She sighs contently, “I’ve missed you so much,” she whispers.

“Me too, baby.” I kiss her head, smelling the sweet scent of cherries. Some things never change.

Within moments, she’s fast asleep in my arms. I move gently so I’m lying down too, never once letting go of her. Needing to hold her, the enormity of what’s happened to her, to us, hits me, and I pull her closer to me as I close my eyes and my tears fall freely.

CHAPTER 25

Payton

Iwake feeling extremely warm, as soon as I open my eyes, everything comes flooding back. Silas is here. I’m not sure how he’s here or why, but I’m so glad that he is. I didn’t realize how much I needed him until he knocked on my door.

The room is shrouded in darkness, and I wonder just how long we slept. Silas arrived here not long after nine. I haven’t slept in two weeks, and being in his arms made me feel safe and secure.

I’ve cried so much these last few weeks, but telling Silas was a weight off my shoulders. I bared my soul to him, and he held me through it all. I thought he’d hate me, because I wasn’t able to protect our baby, but he’s here holding me as though I’m the most precious gift in the world.

I glance up at him, he has us lying on the sofa with me resting on top of him. He’s fast asleep, his snores are soft and comforting. Tears cling to his eyes, and I realize that he’s been crying. My heart aches at him hurting, but I know that it was inevitable.

I gently move off him, not wanting to wake him, I grab my phone off the coffee table and quietly make my way outside onto my back porch. As soon as I step outside, the salty air hits me, and I breathe it in deeply, loving the way it hits my lungs. I kick off my shoes and step off of my porch.

The sand is cool against my feet, but I don’t mind, I love it. Being here has made me feel more centered. I love New York, it’s been my home for two years now, but being by the sea has always made me feel at ease. Seattle has always been my dream, and it’s just like coming home.

I walk on the sand for a few minutes before I find a spot and sit down. The cool Seattle breeze whips around me, but I don’t feel the chill. I stare out onto the bay where the lights from the city are reflected on the water, and once again, my tears fall freely. Relief and heartache rip through me; relieved that Silas knows and that he’s here, but heartache that our angel is never going to know just how much we love her.

I think about all the things that Silas and I are going to miss out on. I’m torturing myself, I know I am, but I’m unable to stop it. I imagine what he’d be like with her when she had her first smile, when she cut her first tooth, and when she took her first steps. I know that Silas would make an amazing father, one that would love unconditionally and fiercely.

The tears fall silently, as I mourn for what could have been and the little girl that I’ll always love but will never hold. She’ll always have my heart, a piece of me will always be with her.

My cell buzzes in my hand, and I see it’s a message from Ali.

Are you okay?

I reply instantly, not wanting her to worry.

I’m doing better. I guess I have you to thank for Silas turning up at my door?

I’m not angry, in fact, I’m extremely grateful, it would have been hard for me to call him and then to tell him everything. This way, I managed to get it all out, whereas I’m not sure I could have done it the other way.

I may have said something to Jack, who took it upon himself to get Silas to you. Are you mad?

My heart warms at her words. I have so many people around me that care about me. I never realized just how lucky I am.

I’m not mad. I’m extremely grateful. Thank you, Ali, for everything.

Anytime, my friend. The girls are demanding a night out.

I smile. It seems so normal to go out with the girls. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to let loose and be free and not be buried beneath the pain and heartache.

Let me know when, and I’ll see if Bianca can come too.

Sounds good, will text you the deets. Call me if you need me.

I close my eyes and relish in the love that I’m surrounded with.

Will do. Thank you.