Page 19 of Vesper Martinis

“Okay, I’m going to go back to my room and get some shorts,” I tell Minnie.

“What if the bird flies away before you get back?” Minnie’s eyes are wide with fear at what the pigeon might do.”

“I’m sure it’ll stay put.”

Her eyes shoot to where I’m white-knuckling the sheet, to my eyes, then back again.

“What if I just don’t look? Please. I’m freaking out here. I’m terrified of birds. I just want it out. It’s just a penis, Welsey. I’ve seen them before,” she says, waving her hand in the general direction of my torso.

I shrug, not really concerned about being bare. I don’t want my friend seeing me, but if Minnie isn’t looking, I’ll go for it. I don’t want this bird to fly somewhere where I can’t get it.

I take a deep breath, drop the sheet, and empty the basket before moving in on the bird. Slowly, I step towards the bird, who’s just casually strutting across the counter. I’m not entirely sure what I’ll do once I get the bird under the basket, but I’ll get to part two after I finish part one.

I figure if I go quickly, that might freak the bird out more, so I gently place the basket over its head, and it did… nothing. I let go of the basket and take a few steps back. No noise comes from under the wicker. I’m not too sure that the bird has noticed.

I look at the window and back at the basket.

Okay, what now?

Below the open window is my plastic blue sled, which I haven’t put away since the winter. I grab that, line it up with the counter, and slowly push the basket to the edge. That’s when the bird inside starts to panic. I can hear the flutters of his wings, and he hits the sides of the basket, almost tipping it over.

“Minnie, get over here!” I call out, needing help.

Minnie groans anxiously, but I seriously need help. Keeping her eyes closed, she comes to the counter.

“You can open your eyes. My dick is very flaccid right now.”

She peaks her eyes open but keeps them up high.

“For the record, just because it’s down doesn’t mean I want to see it. You’re like a brother to me.” Minnie smiles, starting to find this whole situation funny.

I chuckle and guide Minnie to where I am.

“Okay, here’s the plan. You hold the basket, and I’ll hold the sled. Together, we will walk over to the open window. You lift the basket, and I shove the sled out the window. Once the bird is outside, we close the window. Got it?”

Minnie nods, looking at our path towards the window.

“Okay. On three,” she says.

“Right. Okay. One. Two. Three.” After counting us down, we walk slowly to the window.

The bird is silent underneath, and there’s a chance that this will go smoothly.

When we arrive at the window, I lay the edge of the sled against the window sill, and Minnie slowly lifts up the basket. Once cleared, we watch the pigeon strut along the plastic sled, almost not knowing what’s happening.

To keep the window open, there’s a stick that stands upright, and when I start to slide the sled outside onto the fire escape, I accidentally knock over the stick, and the window slides down, startling the bird that was thankfully already on the other side. It flew away in a huff. But unfortunately for me, the window slams against my hands, trapping my fingers between the wood and the sled.

“Ow! Motherfucker!” I scream and pull my hands in.

“Oh my God, are you okay?” Minnie gasps and holds my hands, examining them.

“Yeah, I think so.”

I hear someone clear their throat and turn to see Pierce staining behind us, wearing his signature dark suit with his hands in his pockets. Brows furrow above his black-rimmed glasses as his eyes volley between Minnie and me until they land on my naked body. Then his eyes go dark. I’m suddenly very aware of my naked state, and that he’s looking at me like that doesn’t help. My cock twitches, and I will myself to calm down.

“You know what?” Minnie says, breaking the silence. “I have a Zoom meeting in like ten minutes, so I’m going to… um… yeah… like, go.” She backs into her room, not before giving me a thumbs up and a wink.

Traitor.