Page 82 of First Ritual

I’d mentioned they were murdered? Fuck. Maybe the quad had rattled me more than I’d thought. I’d never admitted that. And also—dammit—that was absolutely not what I’d told the council, who were under the impression my family died in a car crash.

I carefully gathered up the pages of research. “Thank you. I’ll go through these and see if I can figure something out.”

“Has the tether changed at all?” Wild asked. His tone was neutral. I couldn’t get a grasp on him today. He seemed closed off almost.

Putting that aside, I peered inward at the tether linking me to someone unknown. “Still can’t tell the color. Still can’t sense a direction to follow. The person is locked up or keeping me out.”

“It’s not any of your deceased family members?” he followed with.

“Those tethers are shriveled and cut off,” I said shortly.

Huxley sighed. “How is this meant to work with all your issues?”

I laughed despite myself. “My issues weren’t a problem before people started being nosey bastards.”

Wild touched my hand, and we both inhaled sharply. Whoa, our touch had gone from soothing and cool to something sharper and warmer. Was that from the kiss-orgasm encounter?

When I didn’t move, he covered my hand, and I looked up at him.

“How is this meant to work?” he asked me.

I sighed. “I feel very exposed.”

He rubbed small circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. “No one enjoys that. Can I tell you my theory?”

Although I could reason that the hubbub and bustle of the food area surrounded us, and that Corentin, Sven, and Huxley all looked on, I could’ve been convinced that Wild and I were in a sound-proofed room. “Yes.”

Wild’s gaze darkened further. “Huxley was right the other day. I’m not an open book, but I am a regular book. For a magus. You’re a special edition.”

“Is this how grimoires compliment each other?”

His lips curved. “You think I’m luring you in with flattery?”

Wouldn’t put it past him. “Try a plant metaphor next time. Something about medicinal properties or nutrient-rich soil.”

“Probably won’t.”

“Fair enough.”

Wild squeezed my hand. “You don’t know who your father is. Your family was murdered. You’ve gained an affinity, but it’s blocked. You don’t know why your mother and grandmother left the coven before your birth. You gained a tether a month and a half ago. Your magic borrowed from your hair to replenish reserves. There are many mysteries in your life that I believe must hold the answers to your new tether, and also to what’s happening between us.”

I closed my eyes. On some deep, locked-away level I’d known the answer lay in my past. Regarding my tether anyway. I was inclined to think the weirdness between me and Wild was a magical hiccup. But if the answer to the new tether was somewhere in my past and mother’s past, then I’d have to reassess some decisions I’d made. “I’ve tried to go back, and I couldn’t.”

He released my hand. “What happens when you do?”

I opened my eyes. We were fully facing each other. Close, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable with the proximity. “Chaos.”

I heard mutters from the others at my admission.

“Corentin could help you. He has a strong divination aff—”

“No,” I said immediately.

“What about Huxley?”

The weight on my chest was crushing. “I’m scared, Wild. It’s too much to go back there. I barely clawed my way out of chaos last time.”

“You’ll never move forward without confronting your past,” he answered. “Eventually you will need to do this. To be a better magus. To be okay. Take it from someone who knows.”