Page 94 of First Ritual
He banished the cloth, which was also awkward, but I couldn’t manage magic at the minute. I’d need a few days at least for my reserves to bounce back.
“So,” Wild said. “What do you remember from the journey with Rooke?”
I rested my head on the lip of the pool, uncaring when I rested on his arm instead. “She got me to where my family was dead and black magic poured down my throat. That’s where I always get to. I don’t remember anything else until waking in your arms. What did you see?”
“You choking while Rooke held your hands. I could feel your terror and panic.” He cleared his throat. “I tried to intervene from when you entered the car with your family. I broke free of Corentin and Sven and nearly reached you before you opened the portal. When I found you after… you were passed out. There were no signs of a fight or a lingering scent from another creature, yet you looked like you’d been fighting for your life for a week.”
I pushed my wet hair back with both hands. “Do you know what gets me most of all?” I felt his focus on the side of my face. “That each time I go back, it’s for nothing. I’ve never gotten any further. I just relive the pain again and again and nearly lose myself in the process again and again. Fucking pointless.”
Wild laced our fingers together under the water. “We have a marker of the location you went to. We’ve got four other minds who might’ve picked up different things, especially Rooke who was with you in spirit the entire time. If there is a point to be found in this, we’ll find it, Tempest.”
“Doesn’t feel like there’s anything to find. My family is dead and that will forever feel awful. I just need to get on with life.”
Silence fell. Not a quiet silence. I could almost hear his mind bursting to tell me something. “Just say whatever it is you’re thinking so hard, Wild.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re bristly?”
I scowled. “Yes.”
“Good. I would’ve been surprised to hear otherwise. When you were speaking of your grandmother—the lightning part—I couldn’t help thinking that fit you. There’s always a spark in the air before you arrive.”
A tendril of warmth reached my heart. “Thank you.”
“Not a compliment.”
I shook with pathetic laughter. But it was laughter. Which was incredible. Unprecedented. Laughter was usually off the table for a good month or more after chaos got me.
“What I was thinking so hard is that there are some things in life where we need to get on with it, as you said. On the other hand, there are some things we can’t just live our way through. You can explore and learn from the past without existing there. By doing that, maybe the past won’t always follow you in the present. What you went through, Tempest… I felt it. That might not be something you can put aside to get on with life.”
Look what happened when I tried. “It’s a choice between chaos and some semblance of life.”
“Maybe the answer is in chaos,” he mused.
Was he crazy? “Don’t go grimoire on me. If the answer is in chaos, then in chaos it shall remain.” I climbed from the pool on shaking legs. “Could you—?”
“Of course.” Wild banished the water from my body, then summoned soft, flannel pajamas.
I arched a brow at the wardrobe choice but pulled the pajamas on without comment. He’d picked them automatically and instinctively, which was kind of cute. Almost like when Wild felt down, flannel pajamas were what he liked to wear.
Wild blew out a breath after dressing. “I can’t stop thinking about what I told you about my parents earlier today. About struggling with their demands. My problems seem like nothing against your pain.”
I brushed my long hair, now dry, behind my ears. “Pain can’t be compared, Wild. Your pain isn’t any less than mine. Just different.”
Wild gripped my arm to stop me as I started walking out of the cave. “I really do want to know how you function with all that inside. Grimoires can always sense a full mind in turmoil, but yours is nearly always so calm.”
“I have my quipu.”
“Your knot thing?”
Knot thing. Insulting. “Yes, that helps me empty my mind.” I took a step, then paused. “And I don’t sleep. Unless it’s esbat.” I took another step and stopped again. “Actually, I have been sleeping better lately.”
He cleared his throat. “Since when?”
I thought back. “Maybe a week?”
“I’ve been portaling into your room at night for a week.”
My jaw dropped.