Page 26 of Silver & Gold
Seth looked hard at Julian. “I can’t let you take the book. I think you know why.”
Raider’s heart skipped. Shit. Were they really going to talk about this?
“I’ve, um, read the book, yes,” Julian admitted.
Seth pressed, “And you saw. Yesterday.”
Raider expected Julian to get uncomfortable, to stumble over a further admission. Instead, Julian looked at Raider with soft, sad brown eyes and said quietly, “I’m really sorry that happened to you. I didn’t know what to say yesterday, when I realized. I know it’s not enough, but … I’m really sorry.”
Raider looked away. The buildings blurred in the golden sunlight. He squinted.
Julian’s next words were to Seth. “Surely the empress, with the book, will understand the circumstances and know that the only culprit is Kahzir.”
“I won’t take that risk,” Seth told Julian. “If you want to try your luck with her, go ahead. Just give us a couple of days to get out of the city. I have a few ideas about where we can go.”
Raider snapped, “Seth, there’s no point in him going to Zarina without the book. Just let him have it.”
“It’s too dangerous,” Seth argued.
Raider’s heart twisted painfully as he realized what he needed to say. He hadn’t thought about it ahead of time, hadn’t planned this. But it was obvious how things had to be.
That was the trouble with living in the moment, not thinking about the future. You found yourself suddenly in the future—and unprepared. But what could ever have prepared him for this moment anyway? And if he’d known yesterday that it was his last day with Seth, how could it not have been tainted by despair?
So it was better not looking ahead. And only by not thinking past this moment, not thinking past what he needed to say, could Raider speak now. Because if he thought about tomorrow? If he imagined his life without Seth?
He would never be able to face it.
Even now, he had to retreat within himself to speak. “Until Kahzir is removed from the Arcanum, not only can Julian not go back there, you can’t either, Seth. I won’t let you spend your life on the run, in hiding. If Julian takes the book to Zarina, neither Rahim nor she nor Kahzir will have any reason to be after you.”
Seth looked confused. “But they’ll be after you.”
“I can vanish.”
Seth went completely still. He stared at Raider. Then he asked, “What the fuck are you saying?”
Raider got to his feet. He couldn’t say this sitting down. “I won’t let you give up your life for me. You would hate being a fugitive, disgraced and shamed. You would regret it. You would resent it. You might even hate me—and I would certainly hate myself every time I saw that regret in your eyes. I shouldn’t have walked out of Rahim’s dungeon with you. My head was fucked up and I wasn’t thinking. But I’m thinking now.”
Seth rose slowly to his feet. “Let me explain something to you.”
“Seth—”
“You got to speak. Now it’s my turn.”
Seth crowded into Raider with such intensity in his eyes and body that Raider found himself retreating up the steps, edging away until his back hit the wall of Atri’s temple. Seth planted his hands on the wall on either side of Raider, caging him there.
“My eyes are open,” Seth told him, “and I’m not closing them again. I see you. As you are. Kind. Giving. Self-sacrificing to a fucking fault. So damn beautiful in so many ways that sometimes I can’t breathe when I look at you. My heart is given, and I’m never taking it back. I love you. I love your laugh and your smile and all your outrageous charm. I love how you see things. I love how you do things. I love how much shit you give me all the time. I love being with you. I love you. My mind is made up, and I’m not changing it. I choose you. I am with you. I belong to you, and you fucking belong to me—until you say silver.”
Silver. That was the word Raider had given Seth, a word he could speak during sex that meant no, that meant stop.
But Raider couldn’t say it, even if maybe he should—because he couldn’t think. He could only feel, and what he felt was a breath-stealing pain in his heart as Seth’s words gripped it tight and, just a little bit, worked their way inside. He gasped when the pain was too much. Tears spilled down his cheeks.
Seth took Raider’s face in both hands. His thumbs swiped those tears away, but more fell. Seth’s face crumpled and he leaned in to kiss Raider. There was passion behind it, but it was mostly tender. It was love and caring, and it nearly broke Raider into a thousand pieces.
Raider wrapped his arms around Seth and buried his face against Seth’s neck. “I love you, too,” he said desperately. “I’m just …”
Seth waited a moment, then, with his arms now wrapped around Raider, his hands stroking Raider’s back, he asked quietly, “What, baby?”
“I’m afraid, Seth. For you. For us.”