Page 42 of Silver & Gold
He realized now, by contrast, how confused and angry he’d been. He’d thought he was fine, but Seth had been right. He hadn’t been.
Raider lifted himself onto an elbow so he could study Seth, relishing the chance to do it so fully. Raider loved his face, how broad and strong it was, how handsome.
Seth had kept himself clean shaven since they’d gotten out of the Kesh. Raider had enjoyed seeing his Curator rugged with a beard, but he liked this better. The cleaner lines. The smooth, tanned skin. In spite of that tan, Seth was fairer than Raider. He was fairer than most folk of the Sands. He was bigger too.
Raider had always been taller than most men, but Seth topped him by several inches. Raider liked that, and he liked that Seth was so much heavier than he was. He liked how Seth could pin him down, dominate him with his body. Raider shivered deliciously at the memory of Seth fucking him into the patio bed last night.
Raider smoothed his hand down Seth’s notched belly to the V of muscle that cut toward his groin. Seth’s cock lay long and heavy against his muscled thigh. His body was so powerful. No wonder Seth could fuck him like that.
Raider watched Seth’s cock thicken slightly against his thigh, his body responding to Raider’s touch. Raider wanted to run his fingers through the trimmed hair at Seth’s groin, to feel the heat there and the heavy root of his cock. He wanted to cup the heavy weight of Seth’s balls. But he didn’t want to wake him.
Seth woke anyway. His chest expanded on a deep inhalation. His eyes slitted open and he squinted up at Raider. He groaned and stretched, and his cock twitched up from his thigh. Then he rolled Raider’s way.
Raider turned onto his other side so Seth could hold him from behind. Seth tugged Raider against his body, laying his swiftly hardening cock along the cleft of Raider’s ass. Seth’s arms were banded tight around Raider’s torso, and Seth was breathing against the back of his neck. It was bliss, and Raider could even enjoy the simmer of his own arousal as his stiffening cock lay untouched. He wanted this first.
And … he needed to talk to Seth.
“Seth?”
“Yeah, baby,” Seth murmured comfortably.
“I’m really sorry—”
“No.” Seth abruptly lifted his upper body, propping himself on one hand.
Raider could feel Seth looking at him, but didn’t want to be looked at, not like that. He turned his face into the pillow. Why the hell had Seth cut him off?
“Please don’t be angry with me, Raider, but I don’t want you to apologize for anything that happened last night, or even the last few days.”
“I attacked you. I can’t say sorry for that?”
Seth took a deep breath like he was thinking. But Raider didn’t want to have this conversation anymore, not with the direction Seth was obviously taking it. He started to slide out of the bed.
Seth clamped a hand on Raider’s hip, rekindling some of his fading arousal. Was that why he yielded? Because Seth’s touch always commanded him, because he needed it so damn much? Or was it Seth’s words when he spoke next?
“Please don’t leave. Please, baby—gods, please talk to me.”
Raider owed Seth that. He knew he did.
But.
“You want me to talk, but you won’t let me say what I want to say.”
Seth relaxed his grip but kept his hand on Raider’s hip. “I’m sorry I cut you off. I shouldn’t have done that. It’s just that I know you weren’t yourself. It was almost like … you weren’t even really there.”
“I’m still responsible for the things I do.” Raider sat up and drew back against the wall, away from Seth’s hand. “I’m still responsible for the people I hurt.”
“Baby …” Seth let out a heavy breath. “I don’t think you have a clear perspective on this. On the things that have happened to you.”
Raider looked away. “It doesn’t change the facts.”
“What facts? That you killed Hassan? What about the other facts? The things Kahzir did—”
“They’re separate.”
“They’re not separate, Raider. You want to cling to your guilt without seeing it in relation to anything else. You’ve spent ten years pretending that the past doesn’t exist, that Kahzir didn’t torture you—”
“Stop.”