Page 6 of Silver & Gold

“Please come here,” Seth managed to choke out. “Please come back to me.”

He wanted, desperately, to reach for Raider, but he didn’t. He didn’t know where Raider’s mind was, whether it was actually here or still caught in his nightmare. More than that, Raider needed to be allowed to choose for himself—and he had every right to not choose Seth.

But he did.

Too many times tonight, Seth had felt his heart break, and it broke all over again when Raider made that first, uncertain movement toward him. Seth couldn’t hold back after that. He reached out and gathered Raider to him, hauling him in. Raider’s arms closed hesitantly around Seth in return. Seth hated himself for that hesitation, hated that the way he’d treated Raider had made him so damn unsure of what this meant. Seth had to hold Raider for a long time before he rested his face against Seth’s shoulder, longer still before he stopped shaking.

When Raider started to relax against him, Seth got him to lie down. Seth stretched out behind him, tugging Raider close until their bodies aligned. Then Seth buried his face against the back of Raider’s neck. Where it belonged.

Seth smoothed his hand from Raider’s abdomen up to his chest. Raider had discarded his tunic, reverting to the simplicity of his silk pants, those borrowed in Aqarat, and his travel-worn kaftan. Seth had never appreciated that simplicity more than he did now, able to touch Raider’s skin, able to feel the beat of his heart.

Raider whispered, “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

Seth’s throat tightened. “I don’t think you’re the one who needs to say you’re sorry. Because … I think I know why you did.”

Raider didn’t say anything. Just like he’d never said anything. He’d never breathed a word of the truth—because the truth was unbearable. No wonder Raider didn’t speak of it.

But Seth had to. He had to. “This …” Seth’s hand slid to Raider’s left shoulder, where the quicksilver most often emerged. Raider started shaking even before Seth said quietly, “It was done against your will.”

Raider’s chest started heaving against Seth’s hand. Seth squeezed his eyes shut against the back of Raider’s neck. Fuck.

Fuck.

“It’s okay, baby,” Seth soothed as tears leaked from behind his own closed eyelids. He rubbed at Raider’s chest. “Just relax, it’s okay.”

It wasn’t okay, of course. Nothing about this was okay.

Slowly, Raider calmed down. His breathing returned to normal. His heart stopped pounding against Seth’s hand.

“It’s …” Raider trailed off and was silent for so long that Seth didn’t think he would finish what he’d started to say, but eventually he whispered, “It’s easier to pretend that I don’t remember.”

Seth couldn’t reply, not with his throat so damn tight, not with his heart twisting like it was.

Then Raider asked hesitantly, like he was worried, “Do you … understand?”

“Yeah, baby,” Seth gasped. “I understand. And I’m so fucking sorry. For how I acted. For how I talked to you. I’ll never forgive myself.”

“But you got me out. You came back for me.”

Seth’s arms tightened around Raider. “Of course. I wasn’t going to leave you there. But … there’s something I said to you that I need to talk to you about.”

Raider whispered, “That you wished you’d never met me.”

Seth’s heart sank at how quickly Raider leaped to that, like it had been whirling around in his head.

“Gods, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I only said it for Malik and Rahim, so they wouldn’t suspect I was coming back for you. But I should have told you, the instant I saw you again, that I was sorry for those words and had never meant them.”

“Even when you were angry?”

“I never meant them, and I’m really fucking sorry that I hurt you with them.”

A harsh breath juddered into Raider’s lungs. “Fuck, Seth.”

“I’m sorry, baby.”

Raider was still gasping when he said, “I wish I’d handled it differently. After I found the book.”

Seth thought back to what Raider had said about that, how he’d found the book right before the sand serpent fight. A few details slotted together.