Page 73 of Silver & Gold
“Do you not recall your scorn of me when we first met? Because I was rootless. Drifting. Not doing anything.”
Seth’s hands clenched on his knees. “You’re not being fair. I didn’t understand then.”
“That doesn’t make your reaction any less meaningful. You need purpose, Seth. I won’t take that from you.”
Seth’s heart warmed. Gods, he loved this man. But he couldn’t agree with him on this. “I need you.”
Now Raider looked at him. Finally. “You already had me.”
“But how could I trust Zarina to let you go?”
“I trust her. I know her, Seth.”
“She drugged you. She had you bound to a table—”
“Be reasonable. Of course she did. She had to determine whether we posed a threat. She didn’t hurt either of us.”
“I can’t dismiss it that easily. And why are you defending her? Everything she’s doing is to get the Alchemist’s Stone. For what? Eternal life? So she can rule forever? You don’t find that concerning? Or does she want it to create life? What kind of life could the Stone make? And out of what? The balance, Raider, is always death.”
“I know that, Seth. I said as much to Nasrin. But Zarina doesn’t want the Stone for any of those things. Seth, she’s pregnant.”
“What?”
“She’s hiding it because her first child, according to Nasrin, was murdered. She wants the Stone to protect her baby.”
Seth frowned and stared out across the verdant landscape. After a moment, he said, “Even so, the Stone is too dangerous. My choice would have been the same. To escape and not hunt the Stone for her.”
“You also chose to lie to me.”
Seth’s stomach turned. “I did. I knew I was right, but I was afraid you would fight me on it.”
“I should have been allowed to fight you on it. Choice is important to me, Seth.”
Shit. Seth hadn’t thought about it that way. As taking Raider’s choices from him. Like Kahzir had done.
Before Seth could figure out how to respond to that point, Raider asked, “And why are you so sure I would have fought you?”
“Because I knew you would try to protect me from being a fugitive.”
“But don’t you see how angry it makes me when you think you get to protect me but I don’t get to protect you? You almost died today, Seth. Maybe because Tarjan healed you and you aren’t in pain, you’re losing sight of that, but that is what almost happened. Get this through your goddamn head: I can’t lose you.”
It would have been easiest to just say, You’re right, I’m sorry, but that wasn’t what Seth was feeling right now, even if Raider was right. This conversation wasn’t about right or wrong so much as it was about honesty.
Stuck, not sure how to explain himself, Seth watched a peacock strut through the grass at the bottom of the steps, trailing its long, colorful tail.
Raider cut to the heart of the problem, asking, “Why is it so hard for you to let me protect you? Is it pride? Or you think I’m weak?”
“No, Raider, gods, no. It’s nothing like that. It’s really nothing that logical.”
“Then what is it?” Raider asked impatiently.
The answer that spilled out surprised Seth. He hadn’t realized, until Raider drew it out of him, exactly what had been motivating him.
“My mother died protecting me. Raider, I couldn’t bear if the same thing happened to you. I couldn’t bear to feel your blood splatter my face. I couldn’t bear to watch you fall in front of me, dead in some dirty alley—because of me.”
Seth’s throat constricted as the old shame washed through him. The guilt. The landscape blurred. He closed his eyes.
Raider’s hand settled on his thigh. He said, “We need to get better at trusting each other. We need to get better at talking about things. Especially me—I know that. But you too.”