Page 44 of Hiding from Hope

Hope.

This perfect ray of sunshine, with eyes as deep and as full as the ocean, is looking up at me with so much hope I feel like I’ve been dropped out of a plane. Falling to a death I can’t stop from chasing because that look grips me and makes me want to fulfill every single one of her dreams. I want to watch every one of her wishes come true, and I so desperately want to be the one to give that to her. Despite the way she looks at me, I know I’m not in her future. But if this little pocket of happiness is all that I get, I’m going to soak up as much as I can for as long as I can. Until she finds her forever. Until that hope fizzles and she moves onto the next big thing, I’ll take whatever she’ll give me.

I place a chaste kiss to her forehead, and I feel her sink deeper into me and let sleep pull us both under, as I hold in my arms the one woman that, if I had any hope at all, could have been my future.

Casey

Early morning sun wakes me, which is unusual for me because I’m usually up before the birds. Usually have a coffee, meditate, and do my morning yoga, maybe even some light cardio, all before the sun and Addison are awake.

But nothing is usual about this morning.

I’m deliciously relaxed, and I feel myself wake slowly, unsure where this lightness comes from, and then I start to actually wake up and remember yesterday.

Jessie kissing me.

Grace losing the baby.

Grace losing her temper at me.

Jessie staying over.

Jessie making me co—

“Oh my god!” I squeak and sit up so fast my head spins. I search my room, which is empty, placing my hand on the side of the bed that Jessie had been lying on. It’s cold. He must have left a while ago. For some reason, my stomach sinks at the thought, but noise in the kitchen pulls me from my thoughts, and I peel myself from bed in a daze.

I open my bedroom door and zombie walk to the kitchen where I see Rosie trying, and somehow failing, at making her cereal.

She glances in my direction and says a half-hearted good morning before her gaze snatches back to me and she tilts her head, assessing.

“Hey, you okay, Casey?” I nod because I can’t form words.

“You slept in. Big night?” she asks again as she pulls the carton of milk from the fridge.

“Mmhmm,” I say again, nodding, my gaze still frozen on Rosie. My mind racing, unsure what the heck is happening right now, or what happened last night. What do I do with today? What day even is it?

Jessie…

“Jessie finger fucked me into oblivion on that counter at 2am this morning.”

I thought I said that in my head, but the splatter of a milk carton on the floor, followed by a loud crash, and someone choking behind me makes me think that I perhaps said that out loud.

“What the fuck!?” Oh, no. That was Addison.

I turn around and see Noah standing by the window near the living room holding a takeaway coffee cup and hitting his chest like he just inhaled and choked on the contents. Addison now kneels on the floor, trying to pick up the remnants of a broken dish as she stares at me, white as a ghost and disgust written all over her face.

“Morning,” I whisper to them before I look back at Rosie, who has the biggest smile on her face, eyes bright with delight as she drops a bundle of paper towels to the floor. I assume to mop up the spilled milk.

Rosie doesn’t drop her gaze, which remains locked with mine, and she approaches me like I’m a scared animal, her arms raised, her smile humongous.

“Um… what?!” she squeaks.

“Mhmm. Yep. Wasn’t even a dream,” I say, still trying to wrap my head around it.

Jessie did that. My best friend’s older brother, whom I’ve crushed on since I was sixteen, made me come harder than my boyfriend of four years ever did. What. The. Heck.

Addison strolls into my line of sight, her mouth open in pure shock, and her eyebrows are pulled tight, like she isn’t sure if she feels shock, disgust, or anger.

“Umm… I’m just going to… I’ll wait in Addison’s room.” Noah continues to cough through his sentence as he bails straight to Addison’s room and closes the door. Rosie and Addison both look at me with opposite reactions.