Page 126 of Five Brothers

Tears well. “Do you love me at all?” I ask him. “Do you love us? Do you feel anything for Liv or Trace or anyone?”

How could he say that to me? He knows I loved her. He knows that my son will be hurt when he realizes his mother left him. He knows what I’m going to face. That I don’t deserve this.

But his only response is “You don’t have to live here.”

“Macon …” I hear Trace say behind me. I didn’t hear him come back in. Macon walks around me, into the living room.

But I follow. “No one lives here, Macon,” I spit back, his spine tensing. “No one really wants to be here.”

“Army, don’t,” Krisjen says.

I turn to where she’s standing in the kitchen. Looking so sad with those blue eyes. Blue just like Dex’s. Blue just likehers. “You want to go for a ride?” I ask.

I need to get out of here.

But Macon moves, and I look to see him snap his gaze to Krisjen. His jaw is still flexed—still tight—but for a split second I catch it. He lingers on her too long. He’s paying attention to her. Why?

I look at her and then back to him. “Oh, Jesus,” I say, and then shake my head. “How many times did you tell us to stay away from them? And now you want one. You want her.”

“I don’t want her,” he fires back. “I just don’t want to have to feed another one of your kids.”

You son of a bitch.

Everything feels like it’s bubbling over. I don’t know what I’ll do if Macon tries to leave, or what I’ll do if he doesn’t.

But then my phone rings, and I reach into my pocket, pulling it out and answering it.

“This is Highland State Prison,” a recording says. “Will you accept a collect call from Iron Jaeger?”

“Yes.”

I stare at Macon, the room gone silent. I know he hears the other line because he waits.

“Hey, man,” Iron says, and I almost cry, realizing how much I miss him.

“How are you?” I ask, my voice cracking.

“Still alive.” He chuckles. “Tell Dallas I get it. Having a boyfriend has proved useful.”

I laugh. There’s no need to go to extremes. We have Bay people in there, watching his back. He’s safe.

“How are all of you?” he asks.

I stare at Macon, Dallas and Trace staring at me. “Oh, you know us. It’s no party without you.”

“Yeah …” He’s quiet for a minute, and I almost ask about Thanksgiving on the inside, but I don’t want to know. He continues. “I wish I was there. I don’t want to ever come back here. That’s for sure.”

“Good.” I approach Macon. “We really miss you.”

“Miss you guys, too,” Iron tells me. “You’re telling Dex bedtime stories about me, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Does Macon want to talk to me yet?”

I pull the phone away from my ear and hold it out to my older brother.

I look at him, and he looks at me, the phone suspended between us, because this is my role, isn’t it? The one who cares. Who signed permission slips and went to conferences and took them to the doctor and the dentist and bought their Halloween costumes and what the fuck did he do? Oh yeah. He paid for it, so that absolves him for never showing up.