Page 214 of Five Brothers

I draw in a deep breath. “She passed the news on to her friends,” I tell Krisjen. “It didn’t go on longer than a few months. I got cash and used it to buy other things I didn’t mind selling.”

A couple of them were nice to me. They fucking talked to me, at least, and it became clear they were just as miserable in their lives as I was. They had their own shit to deal with, and we were able to forget about our lives for a while.

But a few of the others … Jesus.

Everything was so dark in the Bay at that time. One of the St. Carmen women wanted me to pretend I was her son. One liked to hit me. A lot.

“I’d always had spells where I didn’t feel good, but God,” I go on, “I felt like an ugly piece of shit walking out of that first house, Krisjen. I never felt so worthless.”

Growing up, I acted out just like my brothers, but not with sex. Not ever with sex. Sex was important. That was always my hangup. I had to be able to connect.

“I could wash it off my body,” I tell her, “but not out of my head, and I was in a hole I was never gonna crawl out of. I hated being here. I hated the sight of the world.” I just go on, spilling my guts and getting it out, because if she knows, then she’ll know more than even Army, and I want her to know me best.

“I couldn’t pay the bills,” I continue. “Dallas was drinking, Liv and Trace were constantly fighting … The house came crashing down on my head every time I walked through the fucking front door.” I force down the lump in my throat. “It wasn’t the first time I thought about it, but … it was the first time I really wanted to do it.”

Like a fucking coward. When you feel like shit, it’s hard to remember a time when you ever felt good, and I left every one of those women thinking life would always be like that.

It wasn’t, and there were good days, but I’m so tired sometimes.

“He watched the whole fucking thing,” I murmur. “He instructed me on how to treat her. How to be rough with her. Told me what he wanted me to do to her, where to kiss her, how hard to …”

I feel one of her tears fall onto my chest.

I exhale hard, my hand going into her hair, fisting it gently. “So I dived into my head and thought about someone else. Another girl.”

“Who?”

I shrug. “No one in particular. A Saint. Someone I wasn’t supposed to have. Someone sweet and innocent.” I rub her scalp. “Always with sunshine in her eyes and smiles that felt warm.” I rub my thumb along her cheek. “I just didn’t know she was real.”

She lifts her head, looking at me.

I soften my gaze. “I’ve been dreaming about you for a long time.”

Her kind eyes smile at me. “Well, since I was like ten or eleven anyway.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ.”

She laughs and climbs up my body, straddling me. She just had to remind me how old she was when I was twenty-four.

Leaning down on one hand, she holds my face and looks into my eyes. “Life is going to kill you eventually.”

I gaze up at her.

“It’s going to kill us all,” she says. “But you’re a monster, you hear me? They will have to rip you from this world. You’re strong in your head, and you’re strong in body, and you …” She pins me with a hard stare that takes my breath away. “You. Do. Not. Stop. You willneverstop.”

I don’t blink.

“They will all know …” she tells me, “that if you’re not dead, then you’re not done.”

I suck in a breath, catching her as she comes down on my mouth. I kiss her, arching up, the power of her lips coursing through mine, into my head, and down my body.

I grow hard underneath her, and she reaches down, fisting my cock.

“And I’m not that sweet and innocent,” she teases.

I gasp as she strokes me, and I grab her ass in both hands, pressing her into my body. God, I could fuck her ten more times tonight.

But I meet her eyes, coming in to nibble her mouth. “You’re not sweet and innocent? Is that so?” I taunt.