Page 247 of Five Brothers

He stops, his hand on the knob.

I smile, a little sadly.

I’ll be in his bed. I’ll always be in his bed.

I know my mind. He thinks there’s too much baggage, and he thinks I’m too young. But he’s stuck in his bullshit. He feels too guilty to claim me, but he can’t let me go. I don’t want to lose time. Does he want me the way I want him?

I swallow through the tightness in my throat. “I always thought I was some special little shit growing up,” I say.

He still doesn’t face me.

“I was told I was smart,” I tell him. “That I would take on the world and everyone would know who I was. I would be someone great, and no one would be outside my sphere of influence.”

Adults tell every kid they’re significant. We want to believe it.

“But the thing is …” I go on, “I’m not unique. I was never that smart. I’ll never be an astronaut, or the captain of a ship, or a professor of biology or philosophy. I’m not a good athlete, and I’m fine seeing mountains and operas and Alaska just on TV.”

None of that is what I wanted out of life. I want none of what I was taught to want.

“No one will remember me after I’m gone,” I say, “and I’ll never be someone kids learn about in school.”

I drop my eyes, heat covering my cheeks and my pulse racing painfully.

“I just want to love you.” All I can do is whisper. “That, I will do beautifully.”

34

Macon

I leave the room, pulling the door closed hard. I dig the heels of my palms into my eyes, trying to push back the tears.God, I fucking love you.

She’s perfect.

And I know, without a doubt, I shouldn’t keep her. She knows nothing of all the possibilities that are out there for her. She won’t still love me in five years. Was I serious? Do I want a kid with her?

I don’t want her having anyone else’s.

Fuck it. This could be it.

Thisisit.

I can’t stop. I’m not even going to try, and if I end myself someday, it won’t be because of my shit headspace. It’ll be in the wake of ruining her life, because no matter everything that will go wrong, the time I have with her will be worth it.

I button up my shirt, tuck it in, and fasten my tie, leaving the boat.

Clay sits on the hood of my truck, my sister leaning back between her thighs.

I toss my keys to Army.

Trace, Dallas, and I head for the doors.

“Take Krisjen home,” I tell Liv. “Our house.”

“What are you guys doing?”

I jerk my chin at Army. “Let’s go.”

He climbs in the driver’s side.