Page 42 of Hard Rain Coming
The snow that started early Sunday had continued to fall off and on for the past few days. It was a virtual winter wonderland out there. She got up from her chair, Lily tucked against her chest, and walked to the window.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” she murmured to the dog, dropping a kiss on her head while gazing outside. A clear blue sky stared down at the snowcapped Rockies, and the sunlight reflected off them like diamonds, shimmering in the distance. This place was unlike any other she’d ever seen, and she often wondered what her ancestors thought when they’d first set sights on the land. Did they hope for the kind of future that would breed happiness and prosperity? Or did they just want to survive?
The Bridgestones had prospered, no doubt about that, but the happiness part, not so much. At least not for this generation.
With a sigh, she turned back to her desk, only then realizing Jack stood a few feet away. He’d been a godsend helping her film four podcasts. Cheering her on because she needed it and doing his best to keep the mood light. As always, he made her heart glow with some sort of happiness.
“How’s my girl?”
“I’m good. I talked to the lady whose husband had two other complete families she knew nothing about, one in China, if you can believe it. She’s agreed to a podcast episode next week. Todd’s got a line on a few more prospects, so we should be good for the next little while.”
“Two families?” Jack winked. “Busy man.”
“Busy being a two-timing asshole.”
“No argument from me there.” Jack sat down on the sofa. “So, how are you really doing?”
“I told you I’m good.” Annoyed at the line of questioning, she pursed her lips and frowned.
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not…” She sighed and threw her hands up. “You got me. I’m lying,” she admitted reluctantly. She so didn’t want to bother him with the shitshow that played inside her head.
“You’ve been quiet the past few days. I know we haven’t talked about Saturday, and you don’t need to tell me anything. But talking is good for the soul and?—”
“We had sex.”
Jack’s eyes widened a bit, and he slowly nodded. “I know I should be concerned about your mental state and all, but I’ve seen the man, and I can’t help but ask was?—”
“It was the best sex I’ve ever had,” she interrupted him, setting Lily back down on the sofa before she began to pace the room. “And we’ve had some good sex. But Saturday was… She sighed and turned to him. “It was different. Better. Hotter. Sadder. I don’t know if that makes sense.”
Jack got to his feet and crossed the room. He took her into his arms, and she laid her head on his chest. He was good. Solid. She felt safe.
“I wish you weren’t gay. We’d be so good together,” Vivian whispered.
He tightened his hug. “If I were straight, we might have a moment or two, but I think there’s only one man you’re interested in, and it’s a connection that’s been in the making for a very long time.”
“I don’t think I want it.”
“I know. But you love him. You’ve always loved him, haven’t you?”
“Love?” Her eyes flew open, and, alarmed, she wriggled out of his embrace. “I thought I loved him when I was seventeen, but when you’re seventeen, everything is so big and intense. How do you know if it’s real love?” She shook her head. “It could have been more of an infatuation. That’s something I’ve thought a lot about since Saturday. Part of me wants more than just no-strings sex, but what does that mean? That I love him? Or is it because of our history, of all the things we lost? Things he doesn’t even know about?”
Vivian flopped onto the sofa her friend had just left. “God, Jack. I’ve never been more confused. I mean, for so long I’ve hated him with everything in me, and yet, it’s much more complex.”
“I know it sounds cliché, but love and hate are two sides of the same sword. They’re intertwined, especially when you feel so deeply. You need to go back to the past, my girl. You need to tell him those things you’ve kept secret. Tell him why you left.”
She shook her head slowly. “I don’t know if I can, because…”
“Because?” Jack prodded.
“Because I’m afraid I might lose him for good, and if that happens, how will I ever know if the cute house and white picket fence is what I want?” She bit her bottom lip and shrugged. “On one hand, I don’t think I’m made for that kind of life. For that kind of commitment. But what if I am? What if I’ve been wrong this whole time, and he’s the one?”
God, she was sick of being so damn emotional. Her voice cracked, and she took a moment.
“I’m only just now figuring out that I didn’t come back to Montana for Scarlett’s wedding. I came back because of Dallas. Because after all this time, he needs to know. But what if the one thing that ties us together for the rest of our lives is the one thing that blows apart any chance we might have?” She gazed up at Jack. “That’s if he wants me the same way that I want him. God, what a mess.” She attempted to smile through tears. “I should never have come back.”
“But you did,” Jack replied, his kind eyes going a long way to soothing her soul.