Page 60 of Hard Rain Coming
“I was.” Alicia sipped her sweet tea and sat back in her chair. “After our lawyer told us you didn’t wish for any kind of contact three years ago, we all figured that chapter was closed.” She sat a bit straighter. “Because of that, I’m wondering what’s changed.” She chewed her bottom lip, a worried frown crossing her forehead. “I haven’t said anything to Summer because I don’t want to get her hopes up. I don’t want her to be disappointed if you’re not here to meet her.”
Vivian tried her best to let go of the tension that clung to her like a second skin, but she was strung so damn tight, she could barely breathe.
Alicia leaned forward, obviously concerned. “Are you all right?”
“I just…” Vivian exhaled. “I’m trying to catch my breath. This is a lot.” She set down the coffee mug and reached for the glass of water Becky had left earlier. After a few moments, her heart rate slowed, and she sat back while Alicia watched her closely. How to put in words the things that were in her heart?
“When they took Joelle from me fifteen years ago, I thought that I would never see her again. I figured she belonged to someone else, and I could move on and try to start over. I held her once and said goodbye, and that was that. To survive, I put her in this little box, and I never opened it again. I built a life, and I lived. Or at least I thought I was living. I had a career I was proud of, but not much else.”
Vivian exhaled and decided the only way forward was the truth. “Last year, my older brother was in an accident. My family was scattered, and he called me for help. At the time, I was annoyed. I had a lot of work coming up, but I went because I felt guilty. I did my duty and left as soon as I could. The thing is, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, going home again, so when my sister got married, I traveled back for the wedding, but this time, I didn’t leave.” She pushed back the lump that was forming in her throat. “I stayed. Every day, I would wake up and tell myself to leave, but for some reason, I couldn’t. It was as if the past had me in a stranglehold and wouldn’t let go no matter how hard I tried to shake it off.”
She pushed her mug away and lowered her eyes. “There’s a man. A man I left behind.”
“Summer’s father.”
Vivian nodded. “Yes. I was seventeen back then. My life was complicated. I wasn’t the easiest person to be around for a lot of reasons, and he was the only person in my life who pushed back. We were either fighting or making love. We had this intense connection, and for a small window of time, he was a lifeline for me. But I was young. We both were. And the fighting changed. The fighting started to hurt. Then I found out I was pregnant. My mom had died, and my father wasn’t kind. I felt like I had no support, so instead of dealing with things with Dallas, I ran away.”
“Does he know about our daughter?”
Vivian’s eyes jerked up. Our daughter. How strange to hear the woman say that. “He does now. He didn’t back then.”
“I’m so sorry,” Alicia reached across the table and grasped Vivian’s hands. It seemed easy for this woman. To touch and to give. Vivian was beginning to realize just how special Alicia was. “It must have been incredibly hard to go through that alone.”
Vivian slowly nodded. “It was. Sometimes I wonder how I got through.” She glanced down. “Recently, the two of us have been spending time together, and I realized that my feelings for him haven’t changed. They’ve been there all along, buried beneath a mountain of hurt and pain.” She smiled. “He still owns my heart. All of it. And if I have any chance in hell of making things work between us, I need to face my past. Joelle.” She blushed and stared at her fingers. “Sorry, Summer is part of that.”
“Which is why you’re here.”
Vivian nodded. “Yes. I need to open this door and face what’s behind it. I’m ready to meet my daughter, if that’s what she wants. It’s up to her.”
Alicia picked at the edge of her charcoal bag, then took a sip from her glass. She set it down, her expression very serious. “I’ll talk to her when she gets home later this afternoon, and if she still wants to meet you, we’ll be in touch. It’s her decision.” She hesitated, and Vivian sat forward.
“What is it?”
“When Ed and I decided to adopt, we knew it was never going to be a thing that was done in secret. Our children have always known they came to us in a different way than most of their friends. We figured if it was normal and good with us, our children wouldn’t have issues later on in life.” She drew a circle in the condensation on her glass. “Not giving birth to your child can be hard. There’s always this fear of losing them. Of them meeting their birth parents and feeling as if they’ve missed out on something.” She attempted a smile, but it fell flat. “That would break my heart, but it’s part of the process, isn’t it? I don’t want Summer not to know who she came from because I have some insecurity about it. And meeting you in person, I can see you’re the kind of woman she might look up to.”
Vivian slowly shook her head. “You’ve given Summer a wonderful life. Please don’t doubt that. And as much as I would give anything to go back in time and do things differently, I can’t, and quite frankly, I don’t know that I would change anything. I wasn’t in a good place. I have to trust that she’s where she is supposed to be. At least, that’s what I tell myself when the doubt and guilt become too much.”
“You’re not what I expected,” Alicia said softly.
Vivian grabbed Alicia’s hands and squeezed them. “You’re everything I hoped you’d be.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” The woman nodded and got to her feet. “Okay. I’m so happy we met, and I will be in touch, though, like I said, this is Summer’s decision.”
“I understand. Of course.”
Alicia gave a small wave and left the café, leaving a silent Vivian staring out the window at the workers setting up a stage in the town square. There was a group of teenagers near the fountain, and she watched them, thinking how happy and carefree they appeared to be.
I can’t remember ever feeling like that.
“Can I get you anything else?” Sara asked.
“No.” Startled, Vivian got to her feet. “Thank you.”
She left the café and, at odds with herself, walked the length of the town. The stores she passed were mostly a blur, but she stopped and looked, her unseeing eyes moving over the merchandise in the windows. Putting her body in motion was a way to soothe her anxiety, and by the time she reached her rental, it was nearly four in the afternoon.
There’d been no word from Alicia, but then she hadn’t specified a time, and with nothing left to do but return to the B and B, Vivian headed to the other side of town.
The house was quiet. She was able to make it up to her room without running into anyone. She freshened up and then sat on the end of the bed, at a loss as to how to fill up her time. She didn’t want to think, because thinking brought with it the kind of anxiety that, in the past, had driven her to bed for days.